Who Has Your Back During A Predator Attack?

by RFP

You're walking through the woods or near a tree line and you hear the slight rustle of leaves and branches being pushed aside. You stop in your tracks, look intently into the woods, but you never see anything.

It's my hypothesis that those noises are always caused by a Predator using his cloak technology.

The only reason you're not slaughtered on the spot is because you're not armed and Predators hunt for sport. There's no sport in unarmed prey. Yet another reason not to have a CCW permit.

I always worry that my pop culture references will be dated at some point, but then I remember Hollywood is fond of recycling concepts and tickling your nostalgia bone. 'Predators' starring Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, and Topher Grace is set to be released this week. It's based on a script that Robert Rodriguez wrote 15 years ago about a group of the best assorted fighters and killers from Earth being taken to a planet of Predators to be hunted.

I am hoping that with a planet of Predators, we will see a little diversity. Thus far, we have only seen the redneck hunter types. They are a race of advanced creatures. I mean, they have all these fancy weapons and they're advanced enough to build spaceships to fly them across the galaxy. I want to see the nerdy Predators with glasses and pocket protectors. I want to see the nagging Predator housewives¹. I'm probably the only one.

So. Suppose your walking down this path and your carrying a rocket launcher that you just bought at Wal-Mart² and you hear movement in the woods. Suddenly, you see three little laser pointer dots, which is a tell-tale sign that a Predator has you in his sights and is about to blow a hole in your head.

But, you're not alone. You went to Wal-Mart with your friend, who wanted to buy a microwaveable pizza. Of the two Predator slaying heroes³, which one would you rather have by your side in the moment when you have been targeted.

You're options are:

• Major Alan "Dutch" Shaeffer (aka Arnold Schwarzenegger from the original Predator) - Dutch (like the oven) is the leader of an elite team tasked with rescuing some hostages, but end up getting hunted by a Predator. Members of his team include Apollo Creed and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, who chews tobacco because "This stuff'll make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus." Dutch rallies his troops with pearls of wisdom like "If it bleeds, we can kill it" and "Get to the chopper!"⁴

• Lt. Mike Harrigan (aka Danny Glover from Predator 2) - Supercop Harrigan bursts on the scene in the opening moments of the film, taking out a gang that had held an entire police force at bay. He doesn't mess with the politics of police work and does what needs to be done to keep the public safe.

Dutch may have biceps, literally, the size of most people's heads, but when he starts shouting orders could you keep a straight face? C'mon. With that accent? It's hilarious. And could you put up with those one-liners while you're dodging fire from a vagina-faced manhunter?

I would definitely want Danny Glover's character watching my back.

As commander of his squad, Dutch should bear the full responsibility of losing every member of his team. All those roided up freaks with giant guns and he couldn't lead them to victory?

Aside from that, Dutch beat the Predator with a trap. A little stick was kicked and a giant log came crashing down on the Predator's head. I guess Dutch couldn't find any paint cans.⁵ The best part was that the Predator took himself out. Dutch didn't even kill it. The Predator blew himself up.

Meanwhile, Danny Glover killed a Predator with his own two hands. Mike Harrigan wasn't as highly trained as Dutch, but apparently he was more resourceful. Harrigan injured the alien with some shotgun blasts, followed it back to its spaceship, and then gutted it with its own razor frisbee thing.

The dead alien's own people were so impressed with Harrigan's victory that a squad decloaked in front of him and gave him respect points in the form of a trophy: an old gun from 1715.

So whenever I go walking near a wooded area, I will hire Danny Glover to come with me. It's not like he has anything better to do.

-RFP would also like to see Danny Glover drive Miss Daisy off a cliff.

Self promotion alert! Click this link to see a zombie survival plan. And click it often. Help a brother out.

1. Desperate Predator Housewives, a new sitcom coming to ABC this fall!

2. Why that's silly. You can't buy a rocket launcher at Wal-Mart!
3. I am ignoring the Aliens vs. Predator movies. If I include them, then theoretically I would have to include Batman vs. Predator, Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator, JLA vs. Predator, Superman vs. Predator, and even freakin' Tarzan vs. Predator. All of which are comics, btw.
4. Pronounced "Get to da choppah!"
5. That's a Home Alone joke.

Lebron James vs. Godzilla: One-on-One

by RFP

As the 12:01 start of NBA free agency draws nearer, speculation continues to grow regarding where superstar Lebron James will play next year. Will he remain a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers or will he bolt to a more promising franchise?

Naturally, this question raises an even bigger one: who would win in a game of one-on-one between Lebron James and Godzilla?


Yeah, Godzilla can ball a little bit. I remember in Jr. High, back in the glory days of NBA Jam, there were rumors of a Godzilla cheat code. It would've be tops to play as the big, rubber irradiated lizard. Sadly, we had to settle for playing as Hilary Clinton.

I can't definitively answer the question of where James will ball next year, but I can tell you which global icon would beat the other in a pick-up game on the street.

For the purposes of this question, let's assume that Lebron James has grown to around the same height as Godzilla using the growth ray from Honey, I Blew Up the Kid¹, which, you might say, is ridiculous because Rick Moranis² hasn't been seen in years. But c'mon. You're reading an article about Godzilla playing Lebron James in basketball. You've already suspended disbelief.

So who wins this game?

Godzilla has faced many opponents over the years. Mothra, King Kong, Mecha Godzilla, that 3 headed dragon thing. He's used his tail, fire breath, and brute strength to ensure victory. But, you can't do that in basketball. Setting Lebron on fire would just send him to the free throw line. 

So, in a straight up basketball game, Lebron James wins. We are all witnesses.^3.

In the only other game of hoops that Godzilla had ever played, he was dominated by Charles Barkley. No defensive skills whatsoever. As good of a player as Barkley was, Lebron is much more dominant. 

The big lizard doesn't stand a chance.

<sup>1. When I was a kid, I didn't realize that "Honey, I Blew Up The Kid", the sequel to "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", referred to Rick Moranis' character turning the kid into a towering monster. I assumed "Blew up" meant "explode". I couldn't believe a dad would make his own kid explode like a stick of dynamite

2. I think Rick Moranis is hiding out with Dana Carvey and the chick that played Janet on Three's Company at some sort of hippie commune. They play tennis and checkers all day long whilst sipping on margaritas. That's what I choose to think

3. What a ridiculous slogan. Especially when it was released a few years ago during the playoffs. As if Lebron was destined to rampage through the playoffs, straight to the finals, his first championship, a finals MVP trophy, and all the bodies that he ran over to get their laid strewn about in his wake. And we would all be witnesses to that. It never happened though. Too bad.</sup>

Which Karate Kid Would Win In A Fight?

It's Friday night, it's been a long work week, and it's time to sit back and enjoy life with some close friends.

At some point, after the fifth beer of the night has been cracked open, one of your friends will inevitably ask the most important question that you have been asked all week.

That question is this: "If you locked all three of the Karate Kids in a steel cage and made them fight in a triple threat, no holds barred, death match, who would win?"

Most of the people in the room with you two, the ones that do not roll their eyes and question why they are friends with such unbelievable losers, will quickly answer either a) Daniel Larusso b) Ralph Macchio or c) That kid from the first one.

At least one person in the room will say, "I don't know..." and proceed to work out an elaborate and intensive method of scoring in order to successfully determine a winner.

I am that person.

In order to correctly score this match-up, I will follow the rules of the All Valley Karate Championships.¹

With the release of the 2010 remake or re-imagining or re-member we're stealing the title and basic concept from a 1984 classic, The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan, we now have three Karate Kids to consider:

1. Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio) - The Karate Kid (1984); The Karate Kid, Part II (1986); The Karate Kid, Part III (1989).
2. Julie Pierce (Hilary Swank) - The Next Karate Kid (1994)
3. Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) - The Karate Kid (2010)

First Point

Daniel Larusso was trained by Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita) in the teachings of karate by washing cars, sanding decks, and painting fences. Miyagi was a master of karate and a decorated war hero from World War II. That means Daniel-san could whoop your ass and renovate your house, as well.

Julie Pierce was trained by her father, who was trained by Miyagi. That would be like Luke Skywalker training you to be a Jedi. Would you rather be trained by a whiny farmboy or an ancient blue muppet who sounded like Grover with dyslexia? In some cases, just one degree of separation is too much.²


Dre Parker was trained by Jackie Chan's Mr. Han, who taught Dre the ancient art of kung fu. This was accomplished by making Parker repeatedly take his coat off and put it back on. He's less a fighter than a coat rack. Besides that, he's not even The Karate Kid, he's the Kung Fu kid. Way to bastardize another established name, Hollywood.³


Mr. Miyagi was a bad ass. Plus, Larusso had the legendary Crane Kick in his arsenal. It was pretty much his finisher. If he was character in Mortal Kombat, the Crane Kick that Daniel gave Johnny would have knocked that Cobra Kai's fool head clear off.




Seriously, the Crane Kick was hyped as being indefensible. Until... The Karate Kid, Part II, when Daniel's Crane Kick is defended against.

Aside from that, Daniel has proven himself to be a warrior, fighting through the All Valley Karate Championships with a bum knee. He survived "Sweep the leg, Johnny!" That's heart.⁴

Hilary Swank can be taken out with sand to the eyes or a rouge stool.⁵



And, again, Dre Parker is a coat rack. Take jacket off. Put jacket on. Really? That's the best you could come up with? I know you're trying to come up little winks, nods, and "look how clever we are" moments in reference to the original, but that was the best the team of writers you hired could come up with?

Point 2

Whilst fighting, a song will invariably begin playing, appearing to be coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once. This song will further inspire the person winning the fight and is a trademark of underdog champions everywhere. It is also a little known discipline of karate, mixing your chi with your inner iPod or some such thing. I don't know. I'm not a karate master.⁶

I do know that the theme song of the first Karate Kid was "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito.







I also know that The Next Karate Kid did not have a theme song and the remake has one written by 6 people and performed by Justin Beiber and Jaden Smith called, "Never Say Never".

All that doesn't matter for the simple fact that song performed by Peter Cetera called "The Glory of Love" exists on The Karate Kid, Part II soundtrack. Cetera will always triumph over Beiber. Always.

For that matter, Larusso triumphs over the other two Kids. Point, Daniel-san.

Point 3 (Match Point)

The Intangibles. Jaden Smith's Dre Parker is a tough kid from the mean streets of Detroit. He could be a scrapper. He's also. like, 4 feet tall, so the Crane Kick and most other kicks and punches would be over his head. That could be an advantage.

Daniel Larusso is a walking hormone. Women are his shiny objects. Any time there's a fight to be had, there is a woman around that Daniel is trying to court. He may just swoon over the sight of Julie Pierce. She's no Elisabeth Shue, but maybe she'll do in a cold spell? Unlikely, but possible.⁷

Julie Pierce has a hawk named Angel. The amount of control she has over the bird of prey remains to be seen. But she could possibly summon it to swoop down and eat the eyes of the Will Smith spawn.


Point to Swank's Julie Pierce.

Point 4 (Match Point)

Daniel Larusso is older than Dre Parker and Julie Pierce. Daniel Larusso is a man. Julie Pierce is a woman. Dre Parker is a child.

Daniel Larusso wins because, obviously, a woman could never beat a man.⁸

Point and winner: Daniel Larusso by a score of 3-1.

So, I came to the same conclusion you did in 2 seconds after 45 minutes of thought. At least I know that my answer is now correct, without debate.

Daniel Larusso would win in a battle royal of the Karate Kids.

Now, the real question to ponder, in terms of a battle of the martial arts, is this: Who would win in a fight, Kung Fu Panda or Hong Kong Phooey?

For more on The Karate Kid, check out my list of the best quotes from the original at Moviefone.




-RFP, the author of this rousing query, has a black belt in useless pop culture knowledge. He has written for Moviefone, Noisecreep, JYSK, AOL Radio Blog, The BVX, AOL Personals, and, most importantly and frequently, at Miserable Retail Slave. Click the link. Check it out. You can send him an e-mail, here. Comment below. It's appreciated.





Footnotes:


<sup>1. This would be the tournament from The Karate Kid where Daniel takes on the members of Cobra Kai and their douche of a sensei. The beginning of The Karate Kid, Part II takes place moments after the first movie. Miyagi thrashes Kreese, the aforementioned douche, in the parking lot of the tournament. Before delivering a paralyzing blow, Miyagi stops short and honks Kreese's nose. This would be one of my earliest movie memories. I remember seeing this movie and specifically that scene at the drive-in with my parents. My six year old self found that nose-honking fucking hilarious.


2. I seriously came to the stunning idea that Yoda and Miyagi were almost the same character midway through this article. It was an amazing moment. I wasn't even smoking pot either. Think about it: both are old masters of an ancient art training a young snot nosed whippersnapper so that he can beat a stronger opponent. Also, both have a hard time speaking in complete, grammatical sentences.


3. See also: The A-Team


4. The song "Sweep the Leg, Johnny" by No More Kings is based on this. They even have William Zabka, who plays Johnny in the film, act in their music video.


5. See the movie: Million Dollar Baby.


6. I'm a lover, not a fighter.


7. Elisabeth Shue was the wind beneath Macchio's wings in The Karate Kid.


8. I'm just kidding, ladies. A cheap laugh. Don't hate me. I love you. Call me.</sup>