Insert "Bad Moon Rising" Reference Here

by RFP

Psychologists who have done studies on the affects of the full moon on human behavior have never been able to definitively conclude whether or not the moon can make people act differently.

Obviously, these learned men have never worked in retail.

While the insane mutterings of moon crazed humanoids can be annoying, it's nothing that a large dose of heavy narcotics can't cure.

Besides, there's more important things to worry about. Full moons also mean what? Yeah, that's right. Werewolves.

Here's a tip. If you ever find yourself bitten by some strange dog, you should probably kill yourself.

I mean, do you really want to risk waking up one morning to find pieces of your next door neighbor's carcass scattered all over your back yard because you wolfed out the night before? That kind of behavior pretty much ruined Lawrence Talbot's life.

Right. I understand. The odds of being bitten by a strange dog that also happens to be a werewolf are very slim. Ok, well, ever hear of rabies?

Sure, there's a vaccine, but with your lack of insurance and tendencies to procrastinate, you'll wind up with brain damage before you see a doctor. That's no kind of life to live.

Here's another tip. A revision of the first. Just don't let anything bite you. It's gross and bad things tend to happen.

Creatures of the night are all about oral fixation. Werewolves, zombies, vampires. Don't even make me tell you about love bites.

Werewolves are the trickiest of the bunch. Unlike supernatural serial killers, werewolves do not stake their claim to one specific place. Most people know enough to stay away from rural Texas, Elm Street, Camp Crystal Lake and Haddonfield, Illinois. But werewolves could be found anywhere.

The thing about werewolves is that they come in all different shapes and sizes. They can look like an ordinary dog, a young man with tremendous abs, or anything in between.

Here's a few facts to study in order to properly deal with werewolves:

* Werewolves only come out during the full moon, possibly a few days before and after. Except for Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf, who can control his transformations so that he can turn into a werewolf at will and play a mean game of basketball. He's some kind of Super Werewolf. Possibly, the leader of all werewolves.



* They're allergic to silver. I know times are tough, but don't go pawning all your jewelry and silverware. You might need it. People will go on and on about zombie apocalypses, developing intricate survival plans for such an event, but no one ever talks about a potential werewolf apocalypse. I'm starting the rumors now. Werewolf Apocalypse. 2024. Get ready.

One of my first experiences seeing a werewolf in a movie was 1987's The Monster Squad. In that film, one of the kids stuck dynamite down the Wolf Man's pants and he blew apart, but...his body stitched itself back together because werewolves can only be killed by silver.

And also, Wolf Man's got nards.




* Werewolf transformations are usually painful ordeals that look pretty damn awesome. Here's a list of the best transformations that the werewolf genre of horror has to offer:

4. The Wolfman (2010)

Let's take a classic horror movie and remake it for a modern audience. That seems to be the thing to do. Instead of coming up with original ideas, why don't we just rehash what has already been done. In this case, we'll take the original movie's concept and add shitty CGI effects, gratuitous gore, and a big bad Wolfman battle at the end. You would think that a fight between two wolf people would be pretty sweet, but, alas, it really isn't.

Here's a clip of Benicio del Toro howling at the moon as well as the aforementioned wolf fight, provided at no extra charge.





3. Michael Jackson's Thriller music video

For most people, the song goes hand in hand with the video. How many drunk people on Halloween have you seen drunkenly imitating undead Michael Jackson's killer dance moves when this jam rocks the speakers? Countless, I'm sure.

Most people forget that before the zombie, Mike turns into a werewolf. But not before Mike sheepishly declares to his date that he wants her to be his girl. Michael gives her a promise ring and says that he's not like other guys (no kidding, MJ). Huge tactical error planning a date and declaring your love for some woman on the night of a full moon.

If the transformation looks familiar, it's because the video was directed and co-written by John Landis, director of An American Werewolf in London.



2. The Howling


A television news reporter almost gets raped by a stalker and decides to take an extended vacation. That vacation happens to be in a community of werewolves. Sometimes, you just can't catch a break.

There's a pretty great scene with the reporter's husband cheating on her with a hot werewolf chick. The husband and the girl both start transforming mid-coitus, but apparently werewolves don't do it doggy-style, which I find disappointing.

That's not the transformation that I picked, but this one is pretty cool, too.



1. An American Werewolf in London

Not to be confused with the late '90s American Werewolf in Paris, this early '80s classic features a painful transformation that is truly remarkable given the amount of time and effort such an effect would have taken to plan.  The movie actually won an Acadamy Award for Outstanding Achievement in Makeup.






-RFP
www.miserableretailslave.com