TV/Movie All Star Baseball Team

by RFP (with an assist from Steven Lince)

It's the halfway point in the Major League Baseball season, which means it's time for the All-Star game, "the mid-summer classic," if you will.

Being a devout Detroit Tigers fan, I eagerly await to see which players make the all-star squad each year. And if one of those Tigers happens to make the annual Home Run Derby that precedes the actual All-Star game, so much the better.

This year MVP candidate, possible Triple Crown threat, one of the best players in baseball, and a feared hitter in search of redemption, Tigers' 1st baseman Miguel Cabrera has entered the contest.

We'll see how it goes. The Tigers have been well represented in the Home Run Derby over the past few years and the results have been mixed. Cabrera, who is a few HRs behind the league leader, plays in one of the biggest ball parks in the league, but his size matched with a perfect swing makes the dimensions of Comerica Park look small.

Past Tigers in the Home Run Derby have not performed extremely well. Here are their results:

• 1990 - Cecil Fielder: 0 HRs ("Big Daddy" hit 51 homers that season)
• 1991 - Cecil Fielder: 4 HRs (The reigning HR champ lost to Cal Ripken, Jr., who hit 12)
• 1993 - Cecil Fielder: 7 HRs (One time future Tiger, Juan Gonzalez won the event in a playoffwith Griffey that year)
• 1998 - Damion Easley: 2 HRs (Easley had a career high 27 home runs and 100 RBI that year)
• 2005 - Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez: 20 total HRs (Pudge was the first Tiger to play in the tournament style HR Derby. He lost in the finals in his home stadium at Comerica Park to Bobby Abreu)
• 2007 - Magglio Ordonez: 2 total
• 2009 - Brandon Inge: 0 total

Cabrera participated in the 2006 home run derby and came in 3rd with 15 total homers.

All this All-Star nostalgia got me so drunk with memory that I've decided to resurrect an All-Star team that myself and former co-worker Steve discussed at length when we should have been working. It's a team of players culled from TV and movies.

The only rules as to what players could be selected are as follows:

1. No cartoon characters. Bugs Bunny can play a mean game, but nope.
2. No animals. None of that Air Bud shit is allowed. Neither is Ed, a movie in which your Friend and mine, Matt LeBlanc, finds his swing due to a friendship with a monkey. That movie sucked.
3. No real life players as played by actors. However, real life players who played characters are allowed. That means no Babe Ruth as played by John Goodman or Ty Cobb as played by Tommy Lee Jones. Etc.

The Line-Up

1st Base: #5 Jack "Mr. Baseball" Elliot (as played by Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball) from the Nagoya Chunichi Dodgers by way of the New York Yankees.

Jack Elliot was traded to Japan to make room for a young character played by Frank Thomas. The Yankees lost a veteran player who was on the verge of rediscovering his stroke. While in Japan, Elliot recorded 7 consecutive games with a home run. Power hitting 1st basemen are where it's at.

2nd Base: Tony Micelli (as played by Tony Danza in the TV sitcom, Who's The Boss?) from the St. Louis Cardinals.

After injuring his shoulder, promising young player Tony Micelli becomes a domestic housewife under the employ of Angela Bower, an icy frost bitch and successful executive. Before that, Micelli could play some ball. Besides, there's not many 2nd basemen represented in pop culture.

3rd Base: Josh Exley (as played by Jesse L. Martin in The X-Files episode, "The Un-Natural")

A negro league player based out of Roswell, New Mexico who could hit towering moonshots and had the ability to play in the major leagues. Mr. Exley didn't want the spotlight, however, because he was being hunted by the Ku Klux Klan. In reality, Exley was an alien and the Klan member hunting him was an alien bounty hunter. Ah, The X-Files. Meanwhile, Mulder came close to the truth because it was out there and Scully rolled her eyes and refused to believe.

Shortstop: #3 Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez (as played by Mike Vitar in The Sandlot)

Benny was the best player in his neighborhood. He was versatile and could play any position. The Jet was shown to have tremendous speed, stealing home to win the game during the closing moments of the movie. I believe he's a agile enough to handle shortstop. 

Rightfield: #9 Roy Hobbs (as played by Robert Redford in The Natural) from the New York Knights

Hobbs was all guts. He played in the pennant clinching game despite his stomach bleeding through his shirt due to a condition caused by a prior gunshot wound. At the ripe age of 35, Hobbs displayed amazing power, knocking the cover of the baseball in one instance. Roy Hobbs had a game where he hit 4 home runs and also had the pennant winning home run shot that so majestic it caused time to slow down and music to play, culminating in a deadly electrical shower caused by the ball destroying the lights in right field.

Plus, he had a bat that was called "Wonderboy." How pimp is that? "There goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was."

Centerfield: #00 Willie "Mays" Hayes (as played by Wesley Snipes in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians.

He's got base-stealing speed and great range in the outfield. He can go up and steal a homer away from the opposing team. He's always a web gem candidate. Hayes is so quick he can stretch an infield blooper into a single. BTW, we're going with the Snipes version and not the Hayes as portrayed in Major League II Omar Epps. That version was a prima donna and only out for himself. I only want team players on my squad.

Leftfield: #13 Pedro Cerrano (as played by Dennis Haysbert in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians

With his voodoo doll Jo-Bu tossed away, Cerrano finally has the confidence to hit curveballs without practicing the pagan religion. His transformation into a Buddhist in Major League II means a clear head to focus on crushing the ball.

Catcher: Gus Sinski (as played by John C. Reilly in For Love of the Game) from the Detroit Tigers

He's a veteran and good for team morale, "we're the best team in baseball." Plus, he's the personal catcher of the team's unquestioned starter....

SP: #14 Billy Chapel (as played by Kevin Costner in For Love of the Game) from the Detroit Tigers

There are loads of reasons why he should start. Check out the work Paulie Walnuts did in figuring out his career numbers and awards and you'll see why.

The Bench:

DH: #21 Stan "Mr. 2,999" Ross (as played by Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000) from the Milwaukee Brewers

He's almost got 3,000 hits. The guy can hit. He may not be an everyday player and his knees might not be able to handle a position, but Ross can still contribute.

Catcher: #8  "Crash"Davis (as played by Kevin Costner in Bull Durham) from the Asheville Tourists via the  Durham Bulls.

What Kevin Costner is on here twice? How can he be in two positions at once? It's a list of fictional characters, relax. They just look a lot alike.

Sinski can't play everyday, so it's time the 12 year veteran of the minors came up and adds to the "21 greatest days of my life." He still has some pop in the bat, breaking the minor league record for career home runs.

SP: Mel Clark (as played by Tony Danza in Angels in the Outfield) from the Los Angeles Angels

Listen, he's got angels on his side. They won't help him win championships, but he can do that on his own. In the meantime, whenever the team needs a win, plug Clark into the starting rotation. We'll just get the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun to stop pretending to be Cobra Commander and have him flap his arms to signal Christopher Lloyd.

Bullpen:

RP: #1 Henry Rowengartner (as played by Thomas Ian Nicholas in Rookie of the Year) from the Chicago Cubs

Of course we'll have to break his arm again...

RP: Sam "Mayday" Malone (as played by Ted Danson on the TV sitcom, Cheers) from the Boston Red Sox

Depending on which season of the show you watch, Mayday was pretty decent (the earlier seasons) or the pits (later seasons). I choose to believe he was somewhere in between. He did have his "Slider of Death" after all. Then again, he did give up 4 home runs in one game. He's beaten his alcoholism (without the aid of his trusty bottle cap), so Sam gets another chance. 

RP: Kenny Powers (as played by Danny McBride on the HBO series, Eastbound and Down)

After going back to live with his brother and becoming a gym teacher, the egotistical asshole has recovered his velocity as seen in the episode where he knocks out the eyeball of his arch enemy Reg Mackworthy via a fastball to the head.

Closer: #99 Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn (as played by Charlie Sheen in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians.

He doesn't have great numbers against the Yanks, but he can throw a heater when you need a K. The crowd treats him like a rock star and his glasses give him the tools to place his pitches perfectly.

Any additions that you think need to be made to this roster, feel free to let me know in the comments section.

Who Has Your Back During A Predator Attack?

by RFP

You're walking through the woods or near a tree line and you hear the slight rustle of leaves and branches being pushed aside. You stop in your tracks, look intently into the woods, but you never see anything.

It's my hypothesis that those noises are always caused by a Predator using his cloak technology.

The only reason you're not slaughtered on the spot is because you're not armed and Predators hunt for sport. There's no sport in unarmed prey. Yet another reason not to have a CCW permit.

I always worry that my pop culture references will be dated at some point, but then I remember Hollywood is fond of recycling concepts and tickling your nostalgia bone. 'Predators' starring Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, and Topher Grace is set to be released this week. It's based on a script that Robert Rodriguez wrote 15 years ago about a group of the best assorted fighters and killers from Earth being taken to a planet of Predators to be hunted.

I am hoping that with a planet of Predators, we will see a little diversity. Thus far, we have only seen the redneck hunter types. They are a race of advanced creatures. I mean, they have all these fancy weapons and they're advanced enough to build spaceships to fly them across the galaxy. I want to see the nerdy Predators with glasses and pocket protectors. I want to see the nagging Predator housewives¹. I'm probably the only one.

So. Suppose your walking down this path and your carrying a rocket launcher that you just bought at Wal-Mart² and you hear movement in the woods. Suddenly, you see three little laser pointer dots, which is a tell-tale sign that a Predator has you in his sights and is about to blow a hole in your head.

But, you're not alone. You went to Wal-Mart with your friend, who wanted to buy a microwaveable pizza. Of the two Predator slaying heroes³, which one would you rather have by your side in the moment when you have been targeted.

You're options are:

• Major Alan "Dutch" Shaeffer (aka Arnold Schwarzenegger from the original Predator) - Dutch (like the oven) is the leader of an elite team tasked with rescuing some hostages, but end up getting hunted by a Predator. Members of his team include Apollo Creed and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, who chews tobacco because "This stuff'll make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus." Dutch rallies his troops with pearls of wisdom like "If it bleeds, we can kill it" and "Get to the chopper!"⁴

• Lt. Mike Harrigan (aka Danny Glover from Predator 2) - Supercop Harrigan bursts on the scene in the opening moments of the film, taking out a gang that had held an entire police force at bay. He doesn't mess with the politics of police work and does what needs to be done to keep the public safe.

Dutch may have biceps, literally, the size of most people's heads, but when he starts shouting orders could you keep a straight face? C'mon. With that accent? It's hilarious. And could you put up with those one-liners while you're dodging fire from a vagina-faced manhunter?

I would definitely want Danny Glover's character watching my back.

As commander of his squad, Dutch should bear the full responsibility of losing every member of his team. All those roided up freaks with giant guns and he couldn't lead them to victory?

Aside from that, Dutch beat the Predator with a trap. A little stick was kicked and a giant log came crashing down on the Predator's head. I guess Dutch couldn't find any paint cans.⁵ The best part was that the Predator took himself out. Dutch didn't even kill it. The Predator blew himself up.

Meanwhile, Danny Glover killed a Predator with his own two hands. Mike Harrigan wasn't as highly trained as Dutch, but apparently he was more resourceful. Harrigan injured the alien with some shotgun blasts, followed it back to its spaceship, and then gutted it with its own razor frisbee thing.

The dead alien's own people were so impressed with Harrigan's victory that a squad decloaked in front of him and gave him respect points in the form of a trophy: an old gun from 1715.

So whenever I go walking near a wooded area, I will hire Danny Glover to come with me. It's not like he has anything better to do.

-RFP would also like to see Danny Glover drive Miss Daisy off a cliff.

Self promotion alert! Click this link to see a zombie survival plan. And click it often. Help a brother out.

1. Desperate Predator Housewives, a new sitcom coming to ABC this fall!

2. Why that's silly. You can't buy a rocket launcher at Wal-Mart!
3. I am ignoring the Aliens vs. Predator movies. If I include them, then theoretically I would have to include Batman vs. Predator, Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator, JLA vs. Predator, Superman vs. Predator, and even freakin' Tarzan vs. Predator. All of which are comics, btw.
4. Pronounced "Get to da choppah!"
5. That's a Home Alone joke.

Who Does Captain America Need To Punch?

by RFP

When Captain America debuted in December 1940 (a year before Pearl Harbor and America officially joined the war), he was shown on the cover of the premiere issue of Captain America Comics punching Adolph Hitler in the face.

America was completely un-PC in the 1940s when it came to matters of war.

Daffy Duck was shown in cartoons smashing Hitler over the head with a hammer. Bugs Bunny tangled with Japanese soldiers. Batman and Superman pimped the purchase of war bonds and stamps on the covers of their comics.

I really wish America was still like that sometimes. We're so careful about offending each other these days. All it takes is two people writing a nasty letter and the entire nation has to be bent and shaped to match the wishes of those two people.

Wouldn't it have been great to see Spongebob throw dynamite down Kim Jong Il's pants? Who wouldn't want to see Captain America bounce his shield off Osama Bin Laden's nasty bearded face?

Everyone apparently.

The only cartoon characters to respond to the attacks of the Taliban after 9/11 were Stewie Griffin and Toby Keith. That's shameful really. An attack on America in one of the world's most famous cities and we can't even show the Powerpuff Girls tossing some al Queda into a tarpit or something.

Maybe my ideas are wild. Certainly there are some drawbacks to rampant propaganda. A lot of times the posters and cartoons of the '40s crossed a line, turning enemy soldiers, particularly the Japanese, into inhuman monsters.

However. A person like a Hitler or an Osama Bin Laden really cannot be turned into more a monster than they are/were in real life.

At any rate, there is a whole list of people that deserve to be socked in the face by Captain America these days. And not a calm, rational Captain America either. A Captain America who has just had a flashback to The Big One and is battle-ready and out of his mind.

I'm going to list a couple of people that I think the Living Embodiment of Freedom should punch in the jaw and I'm hoping that you, the reader, add your suggestions in the comments section.

1. Osama Bin Laden - I mean, obviously.

2. Carl Henric-Svanberg - the chairman of BP. He didn't cause the oil spill in the Gulf, but someone needs to be held responsible. Especially with all the half ass clean-up and containment attempts.

Those are two obvious ones. I am looking for some of your ideas. So again, list the people you would like to see get punched by Captain America in the comments. In the meantime, have a great 4th of July, give thanks to all the men and women in the military who have kept America free, and also buy war bonds and stamps.