...and other existential pop cultural questions that keep us awake at night...have you ever gotten into a drunken debate over who's been with more women: Han Solo or Indiana Jones? Us Too. That's why the folks from Miserable Retail Slave are going to finally bring you some resolution to those nagging questions that keep you awake at night. (And, by the way, Han Solo, obviously).
As the 12:01 start of NBA free agency draws nearer, speculation continues to grow regarding where superstar Lebron James will play next year. Will he remain a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers or will he bolt to a more promising franchise?
Naturally, this question raises an even bigger one: who would win in a game of one-on-one between Lebron James and Godzilla?
Yeah, Godzilla can ball a little bit. I remember in Jr. High, back in the glory days of NBA Jam, there were rumors of a Godzilla cheat code. It would've be tops to play as the big, rubber irradiated lizard. Sadly, we had to settle for playing as Hilary Clinton.
I can't definitively answer the question of where James will ball next year, but I can tell you which global icon would beat the other in a pick-up game on the street.
For the purposes of this question, let's assume that Lebron James has grown to around the same height as Godzilla using the growth ray from Honey, I Blew Up the Kid1, which, you might say, is ridiculous because Rick Moranis2 hasn't been seen in years. But c'mon. You're reading an article about Godzilla playing Lebron James in basketball. You've already suspended disbelief.
So who wins this game?
Godzilla has faced many opponents over the years. Mothra, King Kong, Mecha Godzilla, that 3 headed dragon thing. He's used his tail, fire breath, and brute strength to ensure victory. But, you can't do that in basketball. Setting Lebron on fire would just send him to the free throw line.
So, in a straight up basketball game, Lebron James wins. We are all witnesses.3.
In the only other game of hoops that Godzilla had ever played, he was dominated by Charles Barkley. No defensive skills whatsoever. As good of a player as Barkley was, Lebron is much more dominant.
The big lizard doesn't stand a chance.
1. When I was a kid, I didn't realize that "Honey, I Blew Up The Kid", the sequel to "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", referred to Rick Moranis' character turning the kid into a towering monster. I assumed "Blew up" meant "explode". I couldn't believe a dad would make his own kid explode like a stick of dynamite
2. I think Rick Moranis is hiding out with Dana Carvey and the chick that played Janet on Three's Company at some sort of hippie commune. They play tennis and checkers all day long whilst sipping on margaritas. That's what I choose to think
3. What a ridiculous slogan. Especially when it was released a few years ago during the playoffs. As if Lebron was destined to rampage through the playoffs, straight to the finals, his first championship, a finals MVP trophy, and all the bodies that he ran over to get their laid strewn about in his wake. And we would all be witnesses to that. It never happened though. Too bad.
Poor Edward Cullen sits in his tragic room, running his hands through his large, messy hair, while a playlist filled with Death Cab for Cutie and Muse cycles on repeat over iTunes.1
He frantically clicks "refresh" over and over again as he waits for Bella to update her status on Facebook. With his free hand, Edward scribbles the words "Ed + Bells = 4evr" all over his Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper and bemoans the fact that he's different and the world would never approve of his and Bella's scandalous love.
This is the sad state of vampires in pop culture today.
When a person is bitten by a vampire these days, they are filled with the virus EMO.2 After they change, the EMO virus gives the infected superhuman strength, an insatiable thirst for blood, the desire to stare meaningfully at a bare wall while pondering the meaning of life and the ability to cry on command after thinking about the end to Marley and Me.
These days, vampires are counting all the ways they could fall in love with you, rather than counting all the ways to horribly maim you. They'd rather love you to pieces than rip you to shreds.
It used to be that vampires couldn't walk out into the sun because they'd burst into a ball of hellfire and die a horrible, fiery death, similar to what happens to gingers (red-heads, if you will) when they are exposed to sunlight. The pompous vamps of today simply refuse to walk into the sunlight because they're shiny. People would quietly judge the vampires if they were to be seen in public on a sunny day. Body glitter is so 2004, after all.
For decades, vampires were portrayed as little more than animals who used their mojo to seduce women to feed their blood lust. Check out this scene from Near Dark.That is a real vampire.
But, all it takes is one version of a vampire - a version that makes a country-full of money - that uses a can of Axe body spray in order to seduce a woman into cuddling on the couch and watching 'The Notebook' on a Friday night. All of a sudden, the copycats start popping up.
Now, all vampires are reborn emo children with big hair and somber dispositions.
The same thing happened a few years ago with another supernatural horror genre that has been experiencing its own wave of niche popularity in recent years.
Two words: Fast. Zombies.
28 Days Later introduced the world to zombies that sprinted at you instead of slowly shuffling around. Suddenly, every zombie had to be a world class Olympic sprinter.
See also: Scream. After Scream made a ton of money, every slasher film was extremely self aware. The potential victims in the movies were well versed in the "rules" of the slasher genre (for example: teens that do drugs or sneak off to have sex always get killed).
Why would a person want to date a vampire? Where there's a vampire, there is usually a werewolf. If you were allergic to dogs, this would not be ideal. Ever been around someone who drinks coffee all day long? Their breath absolutely reeks. I imagine a vampire drinking rabbit blood all day would give off a similar stink.3
Can you imagine a human / vampire couple moving in next door? There goes the neighborhood.
I'm not usually one for mass genocide and the extinction of a species, but vampires are evil, demon possessed agents of hell. In this case, I think it's warranted.
Before I go any further, if you happened to get to this article via a search engine whilst searching for Twilight-related news, I'm sure you are counting all the ways that you could tell me that I suck and Edward Cullen is hotter than I will ever be.4
If this is the case, you probably 14, female, and not someone I want to mess with.
The fact is you young ladies will one day rule the country (or at least lord over the men that rule the country) and I am fairly certain that the Democratic and Republican parties will be dissolved at some point in favor of Team Edward and Team Jacob.
I don't need bounties on my head. Teenage girls hold grudges. They NEVER forget. So Edward is spared. The rest must go.
The list of the targeted vampires can be found below in the footnotes.5
The crack team of vampire exterminators, which I have carefully selected, are as follows:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: She's cute. Her ass ratio is 50% smart, 50% bad. Only problem is she might try to sleep with most of the vampires. Hussy.
Blade: But only if he isn't taxed for his services.6
Bon Jovi (aka "Derek Bliss" from Vampires: Los Muertes): Those vampires are "livin' on a prayer" if they think they can escape from the "bad medicine" that Jon Bon will dish out when he comes riding in on his steel horse.
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman): On second thought, that movie sucked and he's some sort of werewolf, if I remember right. Forget him. Jackman can still come along, but as Wolverine.
Simon Belmont (from the 'Castlevania' video games): Theme song = "Whip it" by Devo. Lame joke = yes it was.
Abraham Lincoln: I mean, obviously.
Once the pop culture universe is completely purged of all traces of vampiric activity, maybe we can start from scratch and usher in a new age of more violent, deadly, scarier vampires.
Then we can start on the werewolf problem that has started to crop up lately...
1. Muse has contributed some of the most overwrought song titles in the history of music to the Twilight soundtracks. 'Supermassive Black Hole' from the original is joined by 'Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)' on the Eclipse soundtrack. In between, is 'I Belong to You' from New Moon. The songs form a trilogy of emo douchebaggery. Starting from being an empty nothing without love to possession to sparks flying. Give it up to Muse for being featured on all three coveted Twilight soundtracks. They know how to cater to the tween audience by pretending to be a real rock band.
2. EMO is a virus that infects millions of Americans on a daily basis. Vampires seem to have a higher concentration of the virus that normal human beings, but humans can catch a strain of it at any time. One of the main carriers of the EMO virus seems to be soundwaves, primarily those waves that are emitted from music. Famous bands that have been known to transmit the sickness include: The Cure, Morrissey, Eliot Smith, Counting Crows, Hootie & the Blowfish, Dashboard Confessional, and many more.
3. Yes, I know vampires do not have "breath" because they do not "breathe" therefore they cannot have "bad breath," which is why I used the word "stink" instead. My asshole doesn't breathe, but it still stinks.
4. While trolling the web for 'research' and whatnot on Twilight, I stumbled upon a page where fans used to send in questions to Stephanie Meyer, author of the series, and she would answer their questions. Very cool thing to do. But, after reading a few of these, I realized what a scary people these Twilight super fans actually are. Questions were asked about, I shit you not, how Edward could possibly get a boner because he has no blood flow. She came up with some answer involving "venom" flowing through vampire's veins and mimicking all of their regular body fluids. Meaning Edward Cullen shoots out venom when he ejaculates. This disturbed me even more. I really wouldn't want to see that money shot.
5. The following vampires must be eliminated from pop culture memory due to their impact on vampire culture: Count Von Count; Dracula, Bela Lugosi style; Maximillian (Eddie Murphy) from Vampire in Brooklyn; the Countess from Jim Carrey's first (horrible) movie, Once Bitten; Count Chocula; Selene (Kate Beckinsale) from Underworld, even though she's super hot; Spike and Angel from the TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Satanico Pandemonium - Click on the link. So hot. (aka Salma Hayek) and her snake in From Dusk Till Dawn; Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett) from 30 Days of Night; Dracula, Duncan Reghr style from The Monster Squad;Max Schrek aka Nosferatu (Willem Dafoe) from Shadow of the Vampire; Bunnicula, the vampire rabbit; Lestat (Tom Cruise) and Louie (Brad Pitt) and hell, Christian Slater (just because) from Interview with the Vampire; Elvira; Blacula (William Marshall); Dracula, Leslie Nielsen style from Dracula: Dead and Loving It; The entire casts of True Blood, The Gates, and The Vampire Diaries; Dracula, Christopher Lee style; The entire town of 'Salem's Lot; The Lost Boys, specifically Kiefer Sutherland's Billy Idolesque vamp; Anne Rice; The Jerry Maguire kid's -the one with the useless factoids about the weight of the human head - best friend from The Little Vampire. Any other relevant vampire that you think needs to be added to this list, please add them in the comments section.
6 This is a Wesley Snipes joke. He doesn't like to pay taxes. Like millions of dollars worth. Allegedly.
It's Friday night, it's been a long work week, and it's time to sit back and enjoy life with some close friends.
At some point, after the fifth beer of the night has been cracked open, one of your friends will inevitably ask the most important question that you have been asked all week.
That question is this: "If you locked all three of the Karate Kids in a steel cage and made them fight in a triple threat, no holds barred, death match, who would win?"
Most of the people in the room with you two, the ones that do not roll their eyes and question why they are friends with such unbelievable losers, will quickly answer either a) Daniel Larusso b) Ralph Macchio or c) That kid from the first one.
At least one person in the room will say, "I don't know..." and proceed to work out an elaborate and intensive method of scoring in order to successfully determine a winner.
I am that person.
In order to correctly score this match-up, I will follow the rules of the All Valley Karate Championships.1
With the release of the 2010 remake or re-imagining or re-member we're stealing the title and basic concept from a 1984 classic, The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan, we now have three Karate Kids to consider:
Daniel Larusso was trained by Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita) in the teachings of karate by washing cars, sanding decks, and painting fences. Miyagi was a master of karate and a decorated war hero from World War II. That means Daniel-san could whoop your ass and renovate your house, as well.
Julie Pierce was trained by her father, who was trained by Miyagi. That would be like Luke Skywalker training you to be a Jedi. Would you rather be trained by a whiny farmboy or an ancient blue muppet who sounded like Grover with dyslexia? In some cases, just one degree of separation is too much.2
Dre Parker was trained by Jackie Chan's Mr. Han, who taught Dre the ancient art of kung fu. This was accomplished by making Parker repeatedly take his coat off and put it back on. He's less a fighter than a coat rack. Besides that, he's not even The Karate Kid, he's the Kung Fu kid. Way to bastardize another established name, Hollywood.3
Mr. Miyagi was a bad ass. Plus, Larusso had the legendary Crane Kick in his arsenal. It was pretty much his finisher. If he was character in Mortal Kombat, the Crane Kick that Daniel gave Johnny would have knocked that Cobra Kai's fool head clear off.
Seriously, the Crane Kick was hyped as being indefensible. Until... The Karate Kid, Part II, when Daniel's Crane Kick is defended against.
Aside from that, Daniel has proven himself to be a warrior, fighting through the All Valley Karate Championships with a bum knee. He survived "Sweep the leg, Johnny!" That's heart.4
Hilary Swank can be taken out with sand to the eyes or a rouge stool.5
And, again, Dre Parker is a coat rack. Take jacket off. Put jacket on. Really? That's the best you could come up with? I know you're trying to come up little winks, nods, and "look how clever we are" moments in reference to the original, but that was the best the team of writers you hired could come up with?
Point 2
Whilst fighting, a song will invariably begin playing, appearing to be coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once. This song will further inspire the person winning the fight and is a trademark of underdog champions everywhere. It is also a little known discipline of karate, mixing your chi with your inner iPod or some such thing. I don't know. I'm not a karate master.6
I also know that The Next Karate Kid did not have a theme song and the remake has one written by 6 people and performed by Justin Beiber and Jaden Smith called, "Never Say Never".
All that doesn't matter for the simple fact that song performed by Peter Cetera called "The Glory of Love" exists on The Karate Kid, Part II soundtrack. Cetera will always triumph over Beiber. Always.
For that matter, Larusso triumphs over the other two Kids. Point, Daniel-san.
Point 3 (Match Point)
The Intangibles. Jaden Smith's Dre Parker is a tough kid from the mean streets of Detroit. He could be a scrapper. He's also. like, 4 feet tall, so the Crane Kick and most other kicks and punches would be over his head. That could be an advantage.
Daniel Larusso is a walking hormone. Women are his shiny objects. Any time there's a fight to be had, there is a woman around that Daniel is trying to court. He may just swoon over the sight of Julie Pierce. She's no Elisabeth Shue, but maybe she'll do in a cold spell? Unlikely, but possible.7
Julie Pierce has a hawk named Angel. The amount of control she has over the bird of prey remains to be seen. But she could possibly summon it to swoop down and eat the eyes of the Will Smith spawn.
Point to Swank's Julie Pierce.
Point 4 (Match Point)
Daniel Larusso is older than Dre Parker and Julie Pierce. Daniel Larusso is a man. Julie Pierce is a woman. Dre Parker is a child.
Daniel Larusso wins because, obviously, a woman could never beat a man.8
Point and winner: Daniel Larusso by a score of 3-1.
So, I came to the same conclusion you did in 2 seconds after 45 minutes of thought. At least I know that my answer is now correct, without debate.
Daniel Larusso would win in a battle royal of the Karate Kids.
Now, the real question to ponder, in terms of a battle of the martial arts, is this: Who would win in a fight, Kung Fu Panda or Hong Kong Phooey?
-RFP, the author of this rousing query, has a black belt in useless pop culture knowledge. He has written for Moviefone, Noisecreep, JYSK, AOL Radio Blog, The BVX, AOL Personals, and, most importantly and frequently, at Miserable Retail Slave. Click the link. Check it out. You can send him an e-mail, here. Comment below. It's appreciated.
Footnotes:
1. This would be the tournament from The Karate Kid where Daniel takes on the members of Cobra Kai and their douche of a sensei. The beginning of The Karate Kid, Part II takes place moments after the first movie. Miyagi thrashes Kreese, the aforementioned douche, in the parking lot of the tournament. Before delivering a paralyzing blow, Miyagi stops short and honks Kreese's nose. This would be one of my earliest movie memories. I remember seeing this movie and specifically that scene at the drive-in with my parents. My six year old self found that nose-honking fucking hilarious.
2. I seriously came to the stunning idea that Yoda and Miyagi were almost the same character midway through this article. It was an amazing moment. I wasn't even smoking pot either. Think about it: both are old masters of an ancient art training a young snot nosed whippersnapper so that he can beat a stronger opponent. Also, both have a hard time speaking in complete, grammatical sentences.
on a Friday night. All of a sudden, the copycats start popping up. 
; the Countess from Jim Carrey's first (horrible) movie, 
; Dracula, Duncan Reghr style from 
, the vampire rabbit; Lestat (Tom Cruise) and Louie (Brad Pitt) and hell, Christian Slater (just because) from Interview with the Vampire; Elvira; 
(William Marshall); Dracula, Leslie Nielsen style from Dracula: Dead and Loving It; The entire casts of True Blood, The Gates, and The Vampire Diaries; Dracula, Christopher Lee style; The entire town of 
, specifically Kiefer Sutherland's Billy Idolesque vamp; Anne Rice; The Jerry Maguire kid's -the one with the useless factoids about the weight of the human head - best friend from The Little Vampire. Any other relevant vampire that you think needs to be added to this list, please add them in the comments section.
; 
(1986); 
.
.
" exists on 
. Cetera will always triumph over Beiber. Always.
or Hong Kong Phooey?
