Insert "Bad Moon Rising" Reference Here

by RFP

Psychologists who have done studies on the affects of the full moon on human behavior have never been able to definitively conclude whether or not the moon can make people act differently.

Obviously, these learned men have never worked in retail.

While the insane mutterings of moon crazed humanoids can be annoying, it's nothing that a large dose of heavy narcotics can't cure.

Besides, there's more important things to worry about. Full moons also mean what? Yeah, that's right. Werewolves.

Here's a tip. If you ever find yourself bitten by some strange dog, you should probably kill yourself.

I mean, do you really want to risk waking up one morning to find pieces of your next door neighbor's carcass scattered all over your back yard because you wolfed out the night before? That kind of behavior pretty much ruined Lawrence Talbot's life.

Right. I understand. The odds of being bitten by a strange dog that also happens to be a werewolf are very slim. Ok, well, ever hear of rabies?

Sure, there's a vaccine, but with your lack of insurance and tendencies to procrastinate, you'll wind up with brain damage before you see a doctor. That's no kind of life to live.

Here's another tip. A revision of the first. Just don't let anything bite you. It's gross and bad things tend to happen.

Creatures of the night are all about oral fixation. Werewolves, zombies, vampires. Don't even make me tell you about love bites.

Werewolves are the trickiest of the bunch. Unlike supernatural serial killers, werewolves do not stake their claim to one specific place. Most people know enough to stay away from rural Texas, Elm Street, Camp Crystal Lake and Haddonfield, Illinois. But werewolves could be found anywhere.

The thing about werewolves is that they come in all different shapes and sizes. They can look like an ordinary dog, a young man with tremendous abs, or anything in between.

Here's a few facts to study in order to properly deal with werewolves:

* Werewolves only come out during the full moon, possibly a few days before and after. Except for Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf, who can control his transformations so that he can turn into a werewolf at will and play a mean game of basketball. He's some kind of Super Werewolf. Possibly, the leader of all werewolves.



* They're allergic to silver. I know times are tough, but don't go pawning all your jewelry and silverware. You might need it. People will go on and on about zombie apocalypses, developing intricate survival plans for such an event, but no one ever talks about a potential werewolf apocalypse. I'm starting the rumors now. Werewolf Apocalypse. 2024. Get ready.

One of my first experiences seeing a werewolf in a movie was 1987's The Monster Squad. In that film, one of the kids stuck dynamite down the Wolf Man's pants and he blew apart, but...his body stitched itself back together because werewolves can only be killed by silver.

And also, Wolf Man's got nards.




* Werewolf transformations are usually painful ordeals that look pretty damn awesome. Here's a list of the best transformations that the werewolf genre of horror has to offer:

4. The Wolfman (2010)

Let's take a classic horror movie and remake it for a modern audience. That seems to be the thing to do. Instead of coming up with original ideas, why don't we just rehash what has already been done. In this case, we'll take the original movie's concept and add shitty CGI effects, gratuitous gore, and a big bad Wolfman battle at the end. You would think that a fight between two wolf people would be pretty sweet, but, alas, it really isn't.

Here's a clip of Benicio del Toro howling at the moon as well as the aforementioned wolf fight, provided at no extra charge.





3. Michael Jackson's Thriller music video

For most people, the song goes hand in hand with the video. How many drunk people on Halloween have you seen drunkenly imitating undead Michael Jackson's killer dance moves when this jam rocks the speakers? Countless, I'm sure.

Most people forget that before the zombie, Mike turns into a werewolf. But not before Mike sheepishly declares to his date that he wants her to be his girl. Michael gives her a promise ring and says that he's not like other guys (no kidding, MJ). Huge tactical error planning a date and declaring your love for some woman on the night of a full moon.

If the transformation looks familiar, it's because the video was directed and co-written by John Landis, director of An American Werewolf in London.



2. The Howling


A television news reporter almost gets raped by a stalker and decides to take an extended vacation. That vacation happens to be in a community of werewolves. Sometimes, you just can't catch a break.

There's a pretty great scene with the reporter's husband cheating on her with a hot werewolf chick. The husband and the girl both start transforming mid-coitus, but apparently werewolves don't do it doggy-style, which I find disappointing.

That's not the transformation that I picked, but this one is pretty cool, too.



1. An American Werewolf in London

Not to be confused with the late '90s American Werewolf in Paris, this early '80s classic features a painful transformation that is truly remarkable given the amount of time and effort such an effect would have taken to plan.  The movie actually won an Acadamy Award for Outstanding Achievement in Makeup.






-RFP
www.miserableretailslave.com

It's On...Like Donkey Kong

by RFP

Sometimes people say things and they have no idea what they are really saying.

All it takes is one person in mainstream society to utter some ridiculous phrase and the rest of America will latch onto it like barnacles on a bridge.

Athletes are the worst at this. They constantly steal material from each other. On a typical Sunday afternoon of football, count how many times you hear coaches and players say "at the end of the day" or "it is what it is" during interviews.

Sadly, two of my favorite phrases have gone unloved over the past few years. "Knowing is half the battle" of GI Joe folklore is said here and there in places where only hip late twentysomethings could nod appreciatively and let loose a laugh full of understanding and nostalgia.

The other one is "and that's one to grow on." I think that the world would be a better place if everyone who read this would say that phrase after they give someone the business. Like, "I think you need to loosen up. You're boring. No one needs to hang around a dullard like you. And that's one to grow on."

There is one phrase that has been used for years and it really bothers me: "It's on like Donkey Kong."

What does it mean?

As near as I can tell, phrase was first used in pop culture on Ice Cube's 1992 album, The Predator. The title track features dialogue from Predator 2, which took place in LA. The album also featured Cube standouts like "Wicked" and the immortal, "It Was a Good Day".

For our purposes, the track we are focusing on is "Now I Gotta Wet 'Cha," in which Ice Cube walks up to some guy and says, "You just won the wet T-shirt contest" followed by Cube pumping rounds of ammo into the wet T-shirt contest winner. Ah, the nineties.

The first line of the actual song is: "it's on like Donkey Kong."

Apparently, Donkey Kong is regarded as a mean mofo who won't hesitate to bust a cap in yo' bitch ass.

I'm not sure that I would classify DK as tough. I mean, he was all hung up on some skirt (like a pansy) and hid at the top of a tall building throwing barrels at a short Italian (like a coward).

He was deemed tough enough to replace Mike Tyson in the Wii's version of Punch Out!! If Muhammad Ali could beat Superman in a boxing match, then I am sure Iron Mike could beat Donkey Kong. Consequently, since Little Mac could beat Mike Tyson and Donkey Kong, I think he could take down Superman.





The phrase pops up in next in American Wedding, the goddawful third installment in the American Pie series when Stifler says it.

Don't you think some actors would have better careers if they just went by their character names. Let's face it, Seann William Scott will forever be known as Stifler. No matter how hard he tries, that's who he will always be. Aside from that, I would venture to say more people would know who Stifler was rather than Seann William Scott - even though they are the same person.

In my mind, the following movies in which Seann William Scott appeared were always described as follows:

• Final Destination - Stifler gets his head cut in two.
• Road Trip - Stifler acts like Stifler would in college.
• Dude, where's my Car? - Stifler and his friend lose their car after partying
• Bulletproof Monk - the one where Stifler tries to learn karate
• The Rundown - the one with The Rock and Stifler
• The Dukes of Hazzard - the one where Stifler is a Duke from Hazzard County
• Role Models - the one where Stifler tries to mentor a kid

I think it's been established that the pop culture world thinks Donkey Kong is tough. Why? I think it has to do with the original video game.

Recently, Steve Wiebe reclaimed the world record (as established by Twin Galaxies) from his rival, Billy Mitchell. 

Wiebe and Mitchell have a bitter rivalry (as a bitter a rivalry as can be had between two nerds who never see each other and play vintage video games) that have seen both men lose the record.

Spring 2007: Wiebe wins the record

Summer 2007: Mitchell regains it

March 2010: some rogue player named Hank Chien wins it

July 31, 2010: Mitchell wins it back

Aug 30, 2010: Steve Wiebe regains the title.

The rivalry is best chronicled in 2007's The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, a surprisingly awesome documentary that really chronicles Wiebe's attempts to have Mitchell face him in a head-to-head live tournament. Mitchell is played up as the Babe Ruth of video games, a legend who believes his own myth. But despite his arrogance, Mitchell dodges every attempt to even meet Steve Wiebe in person.

Billy Mitchell is unbelievable. You can get a glimpse of it below.

My favorite Billy Mitchell quote is one I saw in an interview with him about being a world Pac-Man champion: "I'm often asked by people: 'Somebody wants to be a world champion, what do they do?' and the very first bit of advice I give them is, forget it. I say, you don't become a world champion. It's in your DNA."

Yes, your skills at Pac-Man are genetically encoded into your chromosomes. So if you suck at video games, you will always suck. What a douchehole.

Anyway, Donkey Kong is portrayed time and time again as the hardest thing in life. It's such a challenging, tough game to beat.

During the '80s, video games and arcades were big business. Systems like Nintendo and the Sega Genesis started to destroy all that, but Donkey Kong and Pac-Man were a big part of pop culture in those days. 

That must be the answer. "It's on like Donkey Kong" means "I'm gonna whup yo' ass, sucka." Or something like that. Because Donkey Kong has a reputation for a being a challenging game to beat. If someone says, "It's on Like Donkey Kong", it means that you are going to get challenged and probably lose.

Although none of that explains Trace Adkins' ode to big butts, 'Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk'. Besides being an extremely stupid song and song title, the lyrics don't make sense.

"Got it goin' on/ Like Donkey Kong/ And whoo-wee, shut my mouth, slap your grandma"

How does a girl have it going on like Donkey Kong? Is she big and hairy and she's whipping barrels at your head? Or is just her ass big and hairy?

To each, his own. And that's one to grow on.

-RFP
www.miserableretailslave.com

The All-Female Expendables

by RFP

If you haven't seen The Expendables yet, then clearly you are a flimsy girly man, afraid to bask in the unadulterated testosterone and overwhelming machismo of several manly men doing manly things.

After seeing all the explosions and gunfire and computer-generated blood, only one word floated in my otherwise vacuous head: awesome. You tend to block out the horrible dialogue and paper-thin plot and focus on the carnage. If I wanted to think, I would've have went to Inception. I tried to find out how many blank shells were used during filming, but my search came up empty¹

It's not going to be an Oscar candidate, but it's everything you would want and expect out of the greatest action heroes of the last 30 years.² 

It would've been a mess of a story and completely impossible due to rights issues, but wouldn't it have been great to see the greatest badass characters in film history team up?³

For the record, my dream team would be: Conan the Barbarian, Rambo, Mad Max, Lee (Bruce Lee from Enter the Dragon), James Bond (Sean Connery style, please), Leon the Professional, Shaft (Samuel L. Jackson style, please) and special consultants, Indiana Jones and Walker, Texas Ranger.

Why, Walker, Texas Ranger? Because Chuck Norris could still kick any of our asses. And when you're in Texas, look behind you. Cuz that's where a ranger's gonna be.⁴

In keeping with the equal rights movement, women should get their chance to kick ass on the big screen as well. I've drafted up my version of an All-Woman Expendables. The rules for inclusion on this team are as follows:

1. The woman must have kicked sufficient ass on the big screen.
2. The woman must have a certain amount of sex appeal because I am a shallow pig like that. I wouldn't kick any of these ladies out of bed for eating cookies. 
3. The above statement applies to all but one of the ladies on the team. It's sad that I have to state this explicitly, but I do. One of the ladies on the team is a 12 year old girl. Don't be gross. Again, she is exempted from Rule #2, but none of the others.
4. We're going with fictionalized characters here, like the "dream team" I presented a few paragraphs ago. Although, even these women presented as themselves as new characters could carry an all- female Expendables squad.

The List.

Red Sonja (Brigette Nielsen)

The Red Sonja Brigitte Nielsen is a far cry from the monstrous old woman who pounced on Flavor Flav. Even before she was Ivan Drago's bride, she was swinging a sword and vanquishing evil. Despite the fact that Red Sonja's world was the same time period and world of Conan the Barbarian and DESPITE the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Red Sonja and played Conan in two previous movies...his character was not Conan the Barbarian. How disappointing. Again, probably a pesky rights issue.

While looking for this picture of Nielsen as Red Sonja, I discovered that she took a few promotional pictures dressed up as She-Hulk, the Hulk's cousin. At the time, Marvel Comics had turned the popular Incredible Hulk TV series (starring Lou Ferrigno and Bill Bixby) into a series of made for television movies. 

I'm sure someone thought that they could spin-off She-Hulk into its own entity. 

Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz)

This is the aforementioned 12-year old girl that, as stated before DOES NOT APPLY TO RULE #2.

Her inclusion on this list is obvious to anyone who has seen the movie, Kick Ass.

She's a miniature version of Batman, trained from a young age to fight and kill. While most kids her age were playing with Barbies, she was getting shot in the chest while wearing a bullet proof vest, just so she knows how it feels.

She's the closest thing to a super hero in Kick Ass, albeit a super hero that slaughters countless criminals, gets switchblades⁵ for her birthday, and curses joyously the whole time.

The Bride (aka Beatrix Kiddo) (Uma Thurman)

Could you do this list without Kill Bill's main protagonist? Beatrix slashes her way through the gang that left her for dead on her wedding day.⁶ She can fight AND she knows the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.⁷

Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter)

Not many people could pull this costume off. Lynda Carter sure does. Wonder Woman is super strong. She's an Amazon and lived with women the majority of her life. Hot.

She also has bracelets that deflect bullets, which seems rather useless. Like, couldn't you use that same material to cover her whole body? Thank God, they didn't. Like I said, that costume.

Wonder Woman also has a lasso, which is basically truth serum in rope form. That lasso gets ahold of you, you cannot tell a lie. That makes her impossible to date, but still fun to look at.

Based on my knowledge of "Super Friends" cartoons, she had an invisible jet, which seems pretty useless. "Look, up in the sky! It's Wonder Woman! Look out, she's squatting down like she's going to poo!"

That's what someone sitting on an invisible seat in an invisible jet would look like. Hopefully, that jet's been vanquished from current Wonder Woman tales.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Sarah Michelle Gellar)

As stated before, I am not a big fan of vampires these days. 

She's got the standard fighting skills to take down vampires, werewolves, demons, and all sorts of supernatural creatures of the night.

Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton)


If she can survive Schwarzenegger-skinned, metallic exoskeletons and dripping liquid cyborgs that look like Mulder's replacement on The X-Files, then she can survive anything.


Except leukemia.⁸




Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver)

Predators hunt the Aliens for sport because they are dangerous and formidable, or so the Aliens vs. Predator series would have you believe.

Ripley can take them out all by herself. That makes her a tough broad and she makes the team.

Catwoman (Michelle Pffeiffer)

No offense to Halle Berry, but Pffeiffer is my current day Catwoman of choice. Something about that costume. I know that the leather and whip theme makes it seem like some S & M fetish, but c'mon. What male that grew up in the '80s and '90s didn't fantasize about this Catwoman?

Xena, Warrior Princess (Lucy Lawless)

She's got razor sharp frisbees and a battle cry that comes straight from mid-coitus. She tangles with gods (like Ares, god of war) on a regular basis and beds Hercules like it's no problem.

That's my team. There's probably a few more I could have included, but I will let you do that in the comments section.

-RFP
www.miserableretailslave.com





<sup>Footnotes:


1. I did however find this link: a weapon-by-weapon guide to the arsenal used in The Expendables. Pretty cool.

2. God, that Dolph Lundgren is looking like a hideous wreck of a man these days. Can't remember the last time that I saw him, maybe around Masters of the Universe and The Punisher, but, man, the years have not been kind.

3. Maybe it wouldn't have been too hard. Just copy the premise of Predators. Have the Predators kidnap all the BA guys throughout time and space, deposit them on a planet to hunt, then watch the total armageddon that is bound to occur.

4. This will explain.

5. She doesn't get a switchblade. At least, I don't think that's what it's called. I don't feel like looking it up, but you get the gist.

6. Sometimes when I'm in uber-dork mode, I see parallels between two completely unrelated pieces of fiction. In this case, I was instantly amazed between the superficial parallels between Scott Pilgrim and The Bride. Both had to fight these groups that stood in their way (Bride = Deadly Viper Assassination Squad; initially for revenge for what happened to her fiance, then to rescue the unborn child that she thought had died) & (Pilgrim = League of Evil Exes; to continue dating Ramona Flowers, but ultimately to gain some self respect).

Both groups consist of seven members (Vipers = "Copperhead" Vernita Green, "California Mountain Snake" Elle Driver, "Cottonmouth" O-Ren Ishii, "Sidewinder" Budd, Sofie Fatale, Johnny Mo, "Snake Charmer" Bill) & (Deadly Exes = Mathew Patel, Lucas Lee, Todd Ingram, Roxy Richter, Kyle and Ken Katayanagi, Gideon Graves)

Both films feature over the top fight scenes.

Just an observation.

7. No relation to Five Finger Death Punch

8. According to Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, she died from that very thing.</sup>

TV/Movie All Star Baseball Team

by RFP (with an assist from Steven Lince)

It's the halfway point in the Major League Baseball season, which means it's time for the All-Star game, "the mid-summer classic," if you will.

Being a devout Detroit Tigers fan, I eagerly await to see which players make the all-star squad each year. And if one of those Tigers happens to make the annual Home Run Derby that precedes the actual All-Star game, so much the better.

This year MVP candidate, possible Triple Crown threat, one of the best players in baseball, and a feared hitter in search of redemption, Tigers' 1st baseman Miguel Cabrera has entered the contest.

We'll see how it goes. The Tigers have been well represented in the Home Run Derby over the past few years and the results have been mixed. Cabrera, who is a few HRs behind the league leader, plays in one of the biggest ball parks in the league, but his size matched with a perfect swing makes the dimensions of Comerica Park look small.

Past Tigers in the Home Run Derby have not performed extremely well. Here are their results:

• 1990 - Cecil Fielder: 0 HRs ("Big Daddy" hit 51 homers that season)
• 1991 - Cecil Fielder: 4 HRs (The reigning HR champ lost to Cal Ripken, Jr., who hit 12)
• 1993 - Cecil Fielder: 7 HRs (One time future Tiger, Juan Gonzalez won the event in a playoffwith Griffey that year)
• 1998 - Damion Easley: 2 HRs (Easley had a career high 27 home runs and 100 RBI that year)
• 2005 - Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez: 20 total HRs (Pudge was the first Tiger to play in the tournament style HR Derby. He lost in the finals in his home stadium at Comerica Park to Bobby Abreu)
• 2007 - Magglio Ordonez: 2 total
• 2009 - Brandon Inge: 0 total

Cabrera participated in the 2006 home run derby and came in 3rd with 15 total homers.

All this All-Star nostalgia got me so drunk with memory that I've decided to resurrect an All-Star team that myself and former co-worker Steve discussed at length when we should have been working. It's a team of players culled from TV and movies.

The only rules as to what players could be selected are as follows:

1. No cartoon characters. Bugs Bunny can play a mean game, but nope.
2. No animals. None of that Air Bud shit is allowed. Neither is Ed, a movie in which your Friend and mine, Matt LeBlanc, finds his swing due to a friendship with a monkey. That movie sucked.
3. No real life players as played by actors. However, real life players who played characters are allowed. That means no Babe Ruth as played by John Goodman or Ty Cobb as played by Tommy Lee Jones. Etc.

The Line-Up

1st Base: #5 Jack "Mr. Baseball" Elliot (as played by Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball) from the Nagoya Chunichi Dodgers by way of the New York Yankees.

Jack Elliot was traded to Japan to make room for a young character played by Frank Thomas. The Yankees lost a veteran player who was on the verge of rediscovering his stroke. While in Japan, Elliot recorded 7 consecutive games with a home run. Power hitting 1st basemen are where it's at.

2nd Base: Tony Micelli (as played by Tony Danza in the TV sitcom, Who's The Boss?) from the St. Louis Cardinals.

After injuring his shoulder, promising young player Tony Micelli becomes a domestic housewife under the employ of Angela Bower, an icy frost bitch and successful executive. Before that, Micelli could play some ball. Besides, there's not many 2nd basemen represented in pop culture.

3rd Base: Josh Exley (as played by Jesse L. Martin in The X-Files episode, "The Un-Natural")

A negro league player based out of Roswell, New Mexico who could hit towering moonshots and had the ability to play in the major leagues. Mr. Exley didn't want the spotlight, however, because he was being hunted by the Ku Klux Klan. In reality, Exley was an alien and the Klan member hunting him was an alien bounty hunter. Ah, The X-Files. Meanwhile, Mulder came close to the truth because it was out there and Scully rolled her eyes and refused to believe.

Shortstop: #3 Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez (as played by Mike Vitar in The Sandlot)

Benny was the best player in his neighborhood. He was versatile and could play any position. The Jet was shown to have tremendous speed, stealing home to win the game during the closing moments of the movie. I believe he's a agile enough to handle shortstop. 

Rightfield: #9 Roy Hobbs (as played by Robert Redford in The Natural) from the New York Knights

Hobbs was all guts. He played in the pennant clinching game despite his stomach bleeding through his shirt due to a condition caused by a prior gunshot wound. At the ripe age of 35, Hobbs displayed amazing power, knocking the cover of the baseball in one instance. Roy Hobbs had a game where he hit 4 home runs and also had the pennant winning home run shot that so majestic it caused time to slow down and music to play, culminating in a deadly electrical shower caused by the ball destroying the lights in right field.

Plus, he had a bat that was called "Wonderboy." How pimp is that? "There goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was."

Centerfield: #00 Willie "Mays" Hayes (as played by Wesley Snipes in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians.

He's got base-stealing speed and great range in the outfield. He can go up and steal a homer away from the opposing team. He's always a web gem candidate. Hayes is so quick he can stretch an infield blooper into a single. BTW, we're going with the Snipes version and not the Hayes as portrayed in Major League II Omar Epps. That version was a prima donna and only out for himself. I only want team players on my squad.

Leftfield: #13 Pedro Cerrano (as played by Dennis Haysbert in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians

With his voodoo doll Jo-Bu tossed away, Cerrano finally has the confidence to hit curveballs without practicing the pagan religion. His transformation into a Buddhist in Major League II means a clear head to focus on crushing the ball.

Catcher: Gus Sinski (as played by John C. Reilly in For Love of the Game) from the Detroit Tigers

He's a veteran and good for team morale, "we're the best team in baseball." Plus, he's the personal catcher of the team's unquestioned starter....

SP: #14 Billy Chapel (as played by Kevin Costner in For Love of the Game) from the Detroit Tigers

There are loads of reasons why he should start. Check out the work Paulie Walnuts did in figuring out his career numbers and awards and you'll see why.

The Bench:

DH: #21 Stan "Mr. 2,999" Ross (as played by Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000) from the Milwaukee Brewers

He's almost got 3,000 hits. The guy can hit. He may not be an everyday player and his knees might not be able to handle a position, but Ross can still contribute.

Catcher: #8  "Crash"Davis (as played by Kevin Costner in Bull Durham) from the Asheville Tourists via the  Durham Bulls.

What Kevin Costner is on here twice? How can he be in two positions at once? It's a list of fictional characters, relax. They just look a lot alike.

Sinski can't play everyday, so it's time the 12 year veteran of the minors came up and adds to the "21 greatest days of my life." He still has some pop in the bat, breaking the minor league record for career home runs.

SP: Mel Clark (as played by Tony Danza in Angels in the Outfield) from the Los Angeles Angels

Listen, he's got angels on his side. They won't help him win championships, but he can do that on his own. In the meantime, whenever the team needs a win, plug Clark into the starting rotation. We'll just get the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun to stop pretending to be Cobra Commander and have him flap his arms to signal Christopher Lloyd.

Bullpen:

RP: #1 Henry Rowengartner (as played by Thomas Ian Nicholas in Rookie of the Year) from the Chicago Cubs

Of course we'll have to break his arm again...

RP: Sam "Mayday" Malone (as played by Ted Danson on the TV sitcom, Cheers) from the Boston Red Sox

Depending on which season of the show you watch, Mayday was pretty decent (the earlier seasons) or the pits (later seasons). I choose to believe he was somewhere in between. He did have his "Slider of Death" after all. Then again, he did give up 4 home runs in one game. He's beaten his alcoholism (without the aid of his trusty bottle cap), so Sam gets another chance. 

RP: Kenny Powers (as played by Danny McBride on the HBO series, Eastbound and Down)

After going back to live with his brother and becoming a gym teacher, the egotistical asshole has recovered his velocity as seen in the episode where he knocks out the eyeball of his arch enemy Reg Mackworthy via a fastball to the head.

Closer: #99 Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn (as played by Charlie Sheen in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians.

He doesn't have great numbers against the Yanks, but he can throw a heater when you need a K. The crowd treats him like a rock star and his glasses give him the tools to place his pitches perfectly.

Any additions that you think need to be made to this roster, feel free to let me know in the comments section.

Who Has Your Back During A Predator Attack?

by RFP

You're walking through the woods or near a tree line and you hear the slight rustle of leaves and branches being pushed aside. You stop in your tracks, look intently into the woods, but you never see anything.

It's my hypothesis that those noises are always caused by a Predator using his cloak technology.

The only reason you're not slaughtered on the spot is because you're not armed and Predators hunt for sport. There's no sport in unarmed prey. Yet another reason not to have a CCW permit.

I always worry that my pop culture references will be dated at some point, but then I remember Hollywood is fond of recycling concepts and tickling your nostalgia bone. 'Predators' starring Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, and Topher Grace is set to be released this week. It's based on a script that Robert Rodriguez wrote 15 years ago about a group of the best assorted fighters and killers from Earth being taken to a planet of Predators to be hunted.

I am hoping that with a planet of Predators, we will see a little diversity. Thus far, we have only seen the redneck hunter types. They are a race of advanced creatures. I mean, they have all these fancy weapons and they're advanced enough to build spaceships to fly them across the galaxy. I want to see the nerdy Predators with glasses and pocket protectors. I want to see the nagging Predator housewives¹. I'm probably the only one.

So. Suppose your walking down this path and your carrying a rocket launcher that you just bought at Wal-Mart² and you hear movement in the woods. Suddenly, you see three little laser pointer dots, which is a tell-tale sign that a Predator has you in his sights and is about to blow a hole in your head.

But, you're not alone. You went to Wal-Mart with your friend, who wanted to buy a microwaveable pizza. Of the two Predator slaying heroes³, which one would you rather have by your side in the moment when you have been targeted.

You're options are:

• Major Alan "Dutch" Shaeffer (aka Arnold Schwarzenegger from the original Predator) - Dutch (like the oven) is the leader of an elite team tasked with rescuing some hostages, but end up getting hunted by a Predator. Members of his team include Apollo Creed and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, who chews tobacco because "This stuff'll make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus." Dutch rallies his troops with pearls of wisdom like "If it bleeds, we can kill it" and "Get to the chopper!"⁴

• Lt. Mike Harrigan (aka Danny Glover from Predator 2) - Supercop Harrigan bursts on the scene in the opening moments of the film, taking out a gang that had held an entire police force at bay. He doesn't mess with the politics of police work and does what needs to be done to keep the public safe.

Dutch may have biceps, literally, the size of most people's heads, but when he starts shouting orders could you keep a straight face? C'mon. With that accent? It's hilarious. And could you put up with those one-liners while you're dodging fire from a vagina-faced manhunter?

I would definitely want Danny Glover's character watching my back.

As commander of his squad, Dutch should bear the full responsibility of losing every member of his team. All those roided up freaks with giant guns and he couldn't lead them to victory?

Aside from that, Dutch beat the Predator with a trap. A little stick was kicked and a giant log came crashing down on the Predator's head. I guess Dutch couldn't find any paint cans.⁵ The best part was that the Predator took himself out. Dutch didn't even kill it. The Predator blew himself up.

Meanwhile, Danny Glover killed a Predator with his own two hands. Mike Harrigan wasn't as highly trained as Dutch, but apparently he was more resourceful. Harrigan injured the alien with some shotgun blasts, followed it back to its spaceship, and then gutted it with its own razor frisbee thing.

The dead alien's own people were so impressed with Harrigan's victory that a squad decloaked in front of him and gave him respect points in the form of a trophy: an old gun from 1715.

So whenever I go walking near a wooded area, I will hire Danny Glover to come with me. It's not like he has anything better to do.

-RFP would also like to see Danny Glover drive Miss Daisy off a cliff.

Self promotion alert! Click this link to see a zombie survival plan. And click it often. Help a brother out.

1. Desperate Predator Housewives, a new sitcom coming to ABC this fall!

2. Why that's silly. You can't buy a rocket launcher at Wal-Mart!
3. I am ignoring the Aliens vs. Predator movies. If I include them, then theoretically I would have to include Batman vs. Predator, Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator, JLA vs. Predator, Superman vs. Predator, and even freakin' Tarzan vs. Predator. All of which are comics, btw.
4. Pronounced "Get to da choppah!"
5. That's a Home Alone joke.

Who Does Captain America Need To Punch?

by RFP

When Captain America debuted in December 1940 (a year before Pearl Harbor and America officially joined the war), he was shown on the cover of the premiere issue of Captain America Comics punching Adolph Hitler in the face.

America was completely un-PC in the 1940s when it came to matters of war.

Daffy Duck was shown in cartoons smashing Hitler over the head with a hammer. Bugs Bunny tangled with Japanese soldiers. Batman and Superman pimped the purchase of war bonds and stamps on the covers of their comics.

I really wish America was still like that sometimes. We're so careful about offending each other these days. All it takes is two people writing a nasty letter and the entire nation has to be bent and shaped to match the wishes of those two people.

Wouldn't it have been great to see Spongebob throw dynamite down Kim Jong Il's pants? Who wouldn't want to see Captain America bounce his shield off Osama Bin Laden's nasty bearded face?

Everyone apparently.

The only cartoon characters to respond to the attacks of the Taliban after 9/11 were Stewie Griffin and Toby Keith. That's shameful really. An attack on America in one of the world's most famous cities and we can't even show the Powerpuff Girls tossing some al Queda into a tarpit or something.

Maybe my ideas are wild. Certainly there are some drawbacks to rampant propaganda. A lot of times the posters and cartoons of the '40s crossed a line, turning enemy soldiers, particularly the Japanese, into inhuman monsters.

However. A person like a Hitler or an Osama Bin Laden really cannot be turned into more a monster than they are/were in real life.

At any rate, there is a whole list of people that deserve to be socked in the face by Captain America these days. And not a calm, rational Captain America either. A Captain America who has just had a flashback to The Big One and is battle-ready and out of his mind.

I'm going to list a couple of people that I think the Living Embodiment of Freedom should punch in the jaw and I'm hoping that you, the reader, add your suggestions in the comments section.

1. Osama Bin Laden - I mean, obviously.

2. Carl Henric-Svanberg - the chairman of BP. He didn't cause the oil spill in the Gulf, but someone needs to be held responsible. Especially with all the half ass clean-up and containment attempts.

Those are two obvious ones. I am looking for some of your ideas. So again, list the people you would like to see get punched by Captain America in the comments. In the meantime, have a great 4th of July, give thanks to all the men and women in the military who have kept America free, and also buy war bonds and stamps.

Lebron James vs. Godzilla: One-on-One

by RFP

As the 12:01 start of NBA free agency draws nearer, speculation continues to grow regarding where superstar Lebron James will play next year. Will he remain a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers or will he bolt to a more promising franchise?

Naturally, this question raises an even bigger one: who would win in a game of one-on-one between Lebron James and Godzilla?


Yeah, Godzilla can ball a little bit. I remember in Jr. High, back in the glory days of NBA Jam, there were rumors of a Godzilla cheat code. It would've be tops to play as the big, rubber irradiated lizard. Sadly, we had to settle for playing as Hilary Clinton.

I can't definitively answer the question of where James will ball next year, but I can tell you which global icon would beat the other in a pick-up game on the street.

For the purposes of this question, let's assume that Lebron James has grown to around the same height as Godzilla using the growth ray from Honey, I Blew Up the Kid¹, which, you might say, is ridiculous because Rick Moranis² hasn't been seen in years. But c'mon. You're reading an article about Godzilla playing Lebron James in basketball. You've already suspended disbelief.

So who wins this game?

Godzilla has faced many opponents over the years. Mothra, King Kong, Mecha Godzilla, that 3 headed dragon thing. He's used his tail, fire breath, and brute strength to ensure victory. But, you can't do that in basketball. Setting Lebron on fire would just send him to the free throw line. 

So, in a straight up basketball game, Lebron James wins. We are all witnesses.^3.

In the only other game of hoops that Godzilla had ever played, he was dominated by Charles Barkley. No defensive skills whatsoever. As good of a player as Barkley was, Lebron is much more dominant. 

The big lizard doesn't stand a chance.

<sup>1. When I was a kid, I didn't realize that "Honey, I Blew Up The Kid", the sequel to "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", referred to Rick Moranis' character turning the kid into a towering monster. I assumed "Blew up" meant "explode". I couldn't believe a dad would make his own kid explode like a stick of dynamite

2. I think Rick Moranis is hiding out with Dana Carvey and the chick that played Janet on Three's Company at some sort of hippie commune. They play tennis and checkers all day long whilst sipping on margaritas. That's what I choose to think

3. What a ridiculous slogan. Especially when it was released a few years ago during the playoffs. As if Lebron was destined to rampage through the playoffs, straight to the finals, his first championship, a finals MVP trophy, and all the bodies that he ran over to get their laid strewn about in his wake. And we would all be witnesses to that. It never happened though. Too bad.</sup>