Which Vampire Slayers Would You Pick To Destroy All The Vampires In Pop Culture?

by RFP

Poor Edward Cullen sits in his tragic room, running his hands through his large, messy hair, while a playlist filled with Death Cab for Cutie and Muse cycles on repeat over iTunes.¹

He frantically clicks "refresh" over and over again as he waits for Bella to update her status on Facebook. With his free hand, Edward scribbles  the words "Ed + Bells = 4evr" all over his Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper and bemoans the fact that he's different and the world would never approve of his and Bella's scandalous love.

This is the sad state of vampires in pop culture today. 

When a person is bitten by a vampire these days, they are filled with the virus EMO.² After they change, the EMO virus gives the infected superhuman strength, an insatiable thirst for blood, the desire to stare meaningfully at a bare wall while pondering the meaning of life and the ability to cry on command after thinking about the end to Marley and Me.

These days, vampires are counting all the ways they could fall in love with you, rather than counting all the ways to horribly maim you. They'd rather love you to pieces than rip you to shreds. 

It used to be that vampires couldn't walk out into the sun because they'd burst into a ball of hellfire and die a horrible, fiery death, similar to what happens to gingers (red-heads, if you will) when they are exposed to sunlight. The pompous vamps of today simply refuse to walk into the sunlight because they're shiny. People would quietly judge the vampires if they were to be seen in public on a sunny day. Body glitter is so 2004, after all.

For decades, vampires were portrayed as little more than animals who used their mojo to seduce women to feed their blood lust. Check out this scene from Near Dark. That is a real vampire.


But, all it takes is one version of a vampire - a version that makes a country-full of money - that uses a can of Axe body spray in order to seduce a woman into cuddling on the couch and watching 'The Notebook' on a Friday night. All of a sudden, the copycats start popping up. 

Now, all vampires are reborn emo children with big hair and somber dispositions.

The same thing happened a few years ago with another supernatural horror genre that has been experiencing its own wave of niche popularity in recent years.

Two words: Fast. Zombies.

28 Days Later introduced the world to zombies that sprinted at you instead of slowly shuffling around. Suddenly, every zombie had to be a world class Olympic sprinter.


See also: Scream. After Scream made a ton of money, every slasher film was extremely self aware. The potential victims in the movies were well versed in the "rules" of the slasher genre (for example: teens that do drugs or sneak off to have sex always get killed). 

It would be bearable, if Twilight stood alone. But everywhere you look, vampires are lurking around looking to date all our human women. The Vampire Diaries, The Gates, True Blood. Adorning my Burger King bags is Robert Pattinson's glassy-eyed stare. Snoop Dogg's making rap songs about his love for True Blood. 


Why would a person want to date a vampire? Where there's a vampire, there is usually a werewolf. If you were allergic to dogs, this would not be ideal. Ever been around someone who drinks coffee all day long? Their breath absolutely reeks. I imagine a vampire drinking rabbit blood all day would give off a similar stink.³

Can you imagine a human / vampire couple moving in next door? There goes the neighborhood. 

I'm not usually one for mass genocide and the extinction of a species, but vampires are evil, demon possessed agents of hell. In this case, I think it's warranted.

Before I go any further, if you happened to get to this article via a search engine whilst searching for Twilight-related news, I'm sure you are counting all the ways that you could tell me that I suck and Edward Cullen is hotter than I will ever be.⁴

If this is the case, you probably 14, female, and not someone I want to mess with. 

The fact is you young ladies will one day rule the country (or at least lord over the men that rule the country) and I am fairly certain that the Democratic and Republican parties will be dissolved at some point in favor of Team Edward and Team Jacob.

I don't need bounties on my head. Teenage girls hold grudges. They NEVER forget. So Edward is spared. The rest must go.

The list of the targeted vampires can be found below in the footnotes.⁵

The crack team of vampire exterminators, which I have carefully selected, are as follows:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: She's cute. Her ass ratio is 50% smart, 50% bad. Only problem is she might try to sleep with most of the vampires. Hussy.

Blade: But only if he isn't taxed for his services.⁶

Bon Jovi (aka "Derek Bliss" from Vampires: Los Muertes): Those vampires are "livin' on a prayer" if they think they can escape from the "bad medicine" that Jon Bon will dish out when he comes riding in on his steel horse. 

Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman): On second thought, that movie sucked and he's some sort of werewolf, if I remember right. Forget him. Jackman can still come along, but as Wolverine.

Simon Belmont (from the 'Castlevania' video games): Theme song = "Whip it" by Devo. Lame joke = yes it was.

Abraham Lincoln: I mean, obviously.

Once the pop culture universe is completely purged of all traces of vampiric activity, maybe we can start from scratch and usher in a new age of more violent, deadly, scarier vampires.

Then we can start on the werewolf problem that has started to crop up lately...

-RFP thinks that the "give me an effin' break" news that he heard earlier in the week that some genealogy website traced the heritage of both Robert Pattinson and Stephanie Meyer back to the bloodline of the real Dracula is a fantastic piece of publicity. And also a load of...well, you know.




<sup>1. Muse has contributed some of the most overwrought song titles in the history of music to the Twilight soundtracks. 'Supermassive Black Hole' from the original is joined by 'Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)' on the Eclipse soundtrack. In between, is 'I Belong to You' from New Moon. The songs form a trilogy of emo douchebaggery. Starting from being an empty nothing without love to possession to sparks flying. Give it up to Muse for being featured on all three coveted Twilight soundtracks. They know how to cater to the tween audience by pretending to be a real rock band.


2. EMO is a virus that infects millions of Americans on a daily basis. Vampires seem to have a higher concentration of the virus that normal human beings, but humans can catch a strain of it at any time. One of the main carriers of the EMO virus seems to be soundwaves, primarily those waves that are emitted from music. Famous bands that have been known to transmit the sickness include: The Cure, Morrissey, Eliot Smith, Counting Crows, Hootie & the Blowfish, Dashboard Confessional, and many more.

3. Yes, I know vampires do not have "breath" because they do not "breathe" therefore they cannot have "bad breath," which is why I used the word "stink" instead. My asshole doesn't breathe, but it still stinks.

4. While trolling the web for 'research' and whatnot on Twilight, I stumbled upon a page where fans used to send in questions to Stephanie Meyer, author of the series, and she would answer their questions. Very cool thing to do. But, after reading a few of these, I realized what a scary people these Twilight super fans actually are. Questions were asked about, I shit you not, how Edward could possibly get a boner because he has no blood flow. She came up with some answer involving "venom" flowing through vampire's veins and mimicking all of their regular body fluids. Meaning Edward Cullen shoots out venom when he ejaculates. This disturbed me even more. I really wouldn't want to see that money shot.

5. The following vampires must be eliminated from pop culture memory due to their impact on vampire culture: Count Von Count; Dracula, Bela Lugosi style; Maximillian (Eddie Murphy) from Vampire in Brooklyn; the Countess from Jim Carrey's first (horrible) movie, Once Bitten; Count Chocula; Selene (Kate Beckinsale) from Underworld, even though she's super hot; Spike and Angel from the TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer;   Satanico Pandemonium - Click on the link. So hot. (aka Salma Hayek) and her snake in From Dusk Till Dawn; Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett) from 30 Days of Night; Dracula, Duncan Reghr style from The Monster Squad; Max Schrek aka Nosferatu (Willem Dafoe) from Shadow of the Vampire; Bunnicula, the vampire rabbit; Lestat (Tom Cruise) and Louie (Brad Pitt) and hell, Christian Slater (just because) from Interview with the Vampire; Elvira; Blacula (William Marshall); Dracula, Leslie Nielsen style from Dracula: Dead and Loving It; The entire casts of True Blood, The Gates, and The Vampire Diaries; Dracula, Christopher Lee style; The entire town of 'Salem's Lot; The Lost Boys, specifically Kiefer Sutherland's Billy Idolesque vamp; Anne Rice; The Jerry Maguire kid's -the one with the useless factoids about the weight of the human head - best friend from The Little Vampire. Any other relevant vampire that you think needs to be added to this list, please add them in the comments section.

6 This is a Wesley Snipes joke. He doesn't like to pay taxes. Like millions of dollars worth. Allegedly.</sup>