Who Has Your Back During A Predator Attack?

by RFP

You're walking through the woods or near a tree line and you hear the slight rustle of leaves and branches being pushed aside. You stop in your tracks, look intently into the woods, but you never see anything.

It's my hypothesis that those noises are always caused by a Predator using his cloak technology.

The only reason you're not slaughtered on the spot is because you're not armed and Predators hunt for sport. There's no sport in unarmed prey. Yet another reason not to have a CCW permit.

I always worry that my pop culture references will be dated at some point, but then I remember Hollywood is fond of recycling concepts and tickling your nostalgia bone. 'Predators' starring Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, and Topher Grace is set to be released this week. It's based on a script that Robert Rodriguez wrote 15 years ago about a group of the best assorted fighters and killers from Earth being taken to a planet of Predators to be hunted.

I am hoping that with a planet of Predators, we will see a little diversity. Thus far, we have only seen the redneck hunter types. They are a race of advanced creatures. I mean, they have all these fancy weapons and they're advanced enough to build spaceships to fly them across the galaxy. I want to see the nerdy Predators with glasses and pocket protectors. I want to see the nagging Predator housewives¹. I'm probably the only one.

So. Suppose your walking down this path and your carrying a rocket launcher that you just bought at Wal-Mart² and you hear movement in the woods. Suddenly, you see three little laser pointer dots, which is a tell-tale sign that a Predator has you in his sights and is about to blow a hole in your head.

But, you're not alone. You went to Wal-Mart with your friend, who wanted to buy a microwaveable pizza. Of the two Predator slaying heroes³, which one would you rather have by your side in the moment when you have been targeted.

You're options are:

• Major Alan "Dutch" Shaeffer (aka Arnold Schwarzenegger from the original Predator) - Dutch (like the oven) is the leader of an elite team tasked with rescuing some hostages, but end up getting hunted by a Predator. Members of his team include Apollo Creed and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, who chews tobacco because "This stuff'll make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus." Dutch rallies his troops with pearls of wisdom like "If it bleeds, we can kill it" and "Get to the chopper!"⁴

• Lt. Mike Harrigan (aka Danny Glover from Predator 2) - Supercop Harrigan bursts on the scene in the opening moments of the film, taking out a gang that had held an entire police force at bay. He doesn't mess with the politics of police work and does what needs to be done to keep the public safe.

Dutch may have biceps, literally, the size of most people's heads, but when he starts shouting orders could you keep a straight face? C'mon. With that accent? It's hilarious. And could you put up with those one-liners while you're dodging fire from a vagina-faced manhunter?

I would definitely want Danny Glover's character watching my back.

As commander of his squad, Dutch should bear the full responsibility of losing every member of his team. All those roided up freaks with giant guns and he couldn't lead them to victory?

Aside from that, Dutch beat the Predator with a trap. A little stick was kicked and a giant log came crashing down on the Predator's head. I guess Dutch couldn't find any paint cans.⁵ The best part was that the Predator took himself out. Dutch didn't even kill it. The Predator blew himself up.

Meanwhile, Danny Glover killed a Predator with his own two hands. Mike Harrigan wasn't as highly trained as Dutch, but apparently he was more resourceful. Harrigan injured the alien with some shotgun blasts, followed it back to its spaceship, and then gutted it with its own razor frisbee thing.

The dead alien's own people were so impressed with Harrigan's victory that a squad decloaked in front of him and gave him respect points in the form of a trophy: an old gun from 1715.

So whenever I go walking near a wooded area, I will hire Danny Glover to come with me. It's not like he has anything better to do.

-RFP would also like to see Danny Glover drive Miss Daisy off a cliff.

Self promotion alert! Click this link to see a zombie survival plan. And click it often. Help a brother out.

1. Desperate Predator Housewives, a new sitcom coming to ABC this fall!

2. Why that's silly. You can't buy a rocket launcher at Wal-Mart!
3. I am ignoring the Aliens vs. Predator movies. If I include them, then theoretically I would have to include Batman vs. Predator, Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator, JLA vs. Predator, Superman vs. Predator, and even freakin' Tarzan vs. Predator. All of which are comics, btw.
4. Pronounced "Get to da choppah!"
5. That's a Home Alone joke.