Lebron James vs. Godzilla: One-on-One

by RFP

As the 12:01 start of NBA free agency draws nearer, speculation continues to grow regarding where superstar Lebron James will play next year. Will he remain a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers or will he bolt to a more promising franchise?

Naturally, this question raises an even bigger one: who would win in a game of one-on-one between Lebron James and Godzilla?


Yeah, Godzilla can ball a little bit. I remember in Jr. High, back in the glory days of NBA Jam, there were rumors of a Godzilla cheat code. It would've be tops to play as the big, rubber irradiated lizard. Sadly, we had to settle for playing as Hilary Clinton.

I can't definitively answer the question of where James will ball next year, but I can tell you which global icon would beat the other in a pick-up game on the street.

For the purposes of this question, let's assume that Lebron James has grown to around the same height as Godzilla using the growth ray from Honey, I Blew Up the Kid¹, which, you might say, is ridiculous because Rick Moranis² hasn't been seen in years. But c'mon. You're reading an article about Godzilla playing Lebron James in basketball. You've already suspended disbelief.

So who wins this game?

Godzilla has faced many opponents over the years. Mothra, King Kong, Mecha Godzilla, that 3 headed dragon thing. He's used his tail, fire breath, and brute strength to ensure victory. But, you can't do that in basketball. Setting Lebron on fire would just send him to the free throw line. 

So, in a straight up basketball game, Lebron James wins. We are all witnesses.^3.

In the only other game of hoops that Godzilla had ever played, he was dominated by Charles Barkley. No defensive skills whatsoever. As good of a player as Barkley was, Lebron is much more dominant. 

The big lizard doesn't stand a chance.

<sup>1. When I was a kid, I didn't realize that "Honey, I Blew Up The Kid", the sequel to "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", referred to Rick Moranis' character turning the kid into a towering monster. I assumed "Blew up" meant "explode". I couldn't believe a dad would make his own kid explode like a stick of dynamite

2. I think Rick Moranis is hiding out with Dana Carvey and the chick that played Janet on Three's Company at some sort of hippie commune. They play tennis and checkers all day long whilst sipping on margaritas. That's what I choose to think

3. What a ridiculous slogan. Especially when it was released a few years ago during the playoffs. As if Lebron was destined to rampage through the playoffs, straight to the finals, his first championship, a finals MVP trophy, and all the bodies that he ran over to get their laid strewn about in his wake. And we would all be witnesses to that. It never happened though. Too bad.</sup>