Which Karate Kid Would Win In A Fight?

It's Friday night, it's been a long work week, and it's time to sit back and enjoy life with some close friends.

At some point, after the fifth beer of the night has been cracked open, one of your friends will inevitably ask the most important question that you have been asked all week.

That question is this: "If you locked all three of the Karate Kids in a steel cage and made them fight in a triple threat, no holds barred, death match, who would win?"

Most of the people in the room with you two, the ones that do not roll their eyes and question why they are friends with such unbelievable losers, will quickly answer either a) Daniel Larusso b) Ralph Macchio or c) That kid from the first one.

At least one person in the room will say, "I don't know..." and proceed to work out an elaborate and intensive method of scoring in order to successfully determine a winner.

I am that person.

In order to correctly score this match-up, I will follow the rules of the All Valley Karate Championships.¹

With the release of the 2010 remake or re-imagining or re-member we're stealing the title and basic concept from a 1984 classic, The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan, we now have three Karate Kids to consider:

1. Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio) - The Karate Kid (1984); The Karate Kid, Part II (1986); The Karate Kid, Part III (1989).
2. Julie Pierce (Hilary Swank) - The Next Karate Kid (1994)
3. Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) - The Karate Kid (2010)

First Point

Daniel Larusso was trained by Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita) in the teachings of karate by washing cars, sanding decks, and painting fences. Miyagi was a master of karate and a decorated war hero from World War II. That means Daniel-san could whoop your ass and renovate your house, as well.

Julie Pierce was trained by her father, who was trained by Miyagi. That would be like Luke Skywalker training you to be a Jedi. Would you rather be trained by a whiny farmboy or an ancient blue muppet who sounded like Grover with dyslexia? In some cases, just one degree of separation is too much.²


Dre Parker was trained by Jackie Chan's Mr. Han, who taught Dre the ancient art of kung fu. This was accomplished by making Parker repeatedly take his coat off and put it back on. He's less a fighter than a coat rack. Besides that, he's not even The Karate Kid, he's the Kung Fu kid. Way to bastardize another established name, Hollywood.³


Mr. Miyagi was a bad ass. Plus, Larusso had the legendary Crane Kick in his arsenal. It was pretty much his finisher. If he was character in Mortal Kombat, the Crane Kick that Daniel gave Johnny would have knocked that Cobra Kai's fool head clear off.




Seriously, the Crane Kick was hyped as being indefensible. Until... The Karate Kid, Part II, when Daniel's Crane Kick is defended against.

Aside from that, Daniel has proven himself to be a warrior, fighting through the All Valley Karate Championships with a bum knee. He survived "Sweep the leg, Johnny!" That's heart.⁴

Hilary Swank can be taken out with sand to the eyes or a rouge stool.⁵



And, again, Dre Parker is a coat rack. Take jacket off. Put jacket on. Really? That's the best you could come up with? I know you're trying to come up little winks, nods, and "look how clever we are" moments in reference to the original, but that was the best the team of writers you hired could come up with?

Point 2

Whilst fighting, a song will invariably begin playing, appearing to be coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once. This song will further inspire the person winning the fight and is a trademark of underdog champions everywhere. It is also a little known discipline of karate, mixing your chi with your inner iPod or some such thing. I don't know. I'm not a karate master.⁶

I do know that the theme song of the first Karate Kid was "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito.







I also know that The Next Karate Kid did not have a theme song and the remake has one written by 6 people and performed by Justin Beiber and Jaden Smith called, "Never Say Never".

All that doesn't matter for the simple fact that song performed by Peter Cetera called "The Glory of Love" exists on The Karate Kid, Part II soundtrack. Cetera will always triumph over Beiber. Always.

For that matter, Larusso triumphs over the other two Kids. Point, Daniel-san.

Point 3 (Match Point)

The Intangibles. Jaden Smith's Dre Parker is a tough kid from the mean streets of Detroit. He could be a scrapper. He's also. like, 4 feet tall, so the Crane Kick and most other kicks and punches would be over his head. That could be an advantage.

Daniel Larusso is a walking hormone. Women are his shiny objects. Any time there's a fight to be had, there is a woman around that Daniel is trying to court. He may just swoon over the sight of Julie Pierce. She's no Elisabeth Shue, but maybe she'll do in a cold spell? Unlikely, but possible.⁷

Julie Pierce has a hawk named Angel. The amount of control she has over the bird of prey remains to be seen. But she could possibly summon it to swoop down and eat the eyes of the Will Smith spawn.


Point to Swank's Julie Pierce.

Point 4 (Match Point)

Daniel Larusso is older than Dre Parker and Julie Pierce. Daniel Larusso is a man. Julie Pierce is a woman. Dre Parker is a child.

Daniel Larusso wins because, obviously, a woman could never beat a man.⁸

Point and winner: Daniel Larusso by a score of 3-1.

So, I came to the same conclusion you did in 2 seconds after 45 minutes of thought. At least I know that my answer is now correct, without debate.

Daniel Larusso would win in a battle royal of the Karate Kids.

Now, the real question to ponder, in terms of a battle of the martial arts, is this: Who would win in a fight, Kung Fu Panda or Hong Kong Phooey?

For more on The Karate Kid, check out my list of the best quotes from the original at Moviefone.




-RFP, the author of this rousing query, has a black belt in useless pop culture knowledge. He has written for Moviefone, Noisecreep, JYSK, AOL Radio Blog, The BVX, AOL Personals, and, most importantly and frequently, at Miserable Retail Slave. Click the link. Check it out. You can send him an e-mail, here. Comment below. It's appreciated.





Footnotes:


<sup>1. This would be the tournament from The Karate Kid where Daniel takes on the members of Cobra Kai and their douche of a sensei. The beginning of The Karate Kid, Part II takes place moments after the first movie. Miyagi thrashes Kreese, the aforementioned douche, in the parking lot of the tournament. Before delivering a paralyzing blow, Miyagi stops short and honks Kreese's nose. This would be one of my earliest movie memories. I remember seeing this movie and specifically that scene at the drive-in with my parents. My six year old self found that nose-honking fucking hilarious.


2. I seriously came to the stunning idea that Yoda and Miyagi were almost the same character midway through this article. It was an amazing moment. I wasn't even smoking pot either. Think about it: both are old masters of an ancient art training a young snot nosed whippersnapper so that he can beat a stronger opponent. Also, both have a hard time speaking in complete, grammatical sentences.


3. See also: The A-Team


4. The song "Sweep the Leg, Johnny" by No More Kings is based on this. They even have William Zabka, who plays Johnny in the film, act in their music video.


5. See the movie: Million Dollar Baby.


6. I'm a lover, not a fighter.


7. Elisabeth Shue was the wind beneath Macchio's wings in The Karate Kid.


8. I'm just kidding, ladies. A cheap laugh. Don't hate me. I love you. Call me.</sup>