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Monday, July 12, 2010

TV/Movie All Star Baseball Team

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by RFP (with an assist from Steven Lince)

It's the halfway point in the Major League Baseball season, which means it's time for the All-Star game, "the mid-summer classic," if you will.

Being a devout Detroit Tigers fan, I eagerly await to see which players make the all-star squad each year. And if one of those Tigers happens to make the annual Home Run Derby that precedes the actual All-Star game, so much the better.

This year MVP candidate, possible Triple Crown threat, one of the best players in baseball, and a feared hitter in search of redemption, Tigers' 1st baseman Miguel Cabrera has entered the contest.

We'll see how it goes. The Tigers have been well represented in the Home Run Derby over the past few years and the results have been mixed. Cabrera, who is a few HRs behind the league leader, plays in one of the biggest ball parks in the league, but his size matched with a perfect swing makes the dimensions of Comerica Park look small.

Past Tigers in the Home Run Derby have not performed extremely well. Here are their results:


  • 1990 - Cecil Fielder: 0 HRs ("Big Daddy" hit 51 homers that season)
  • 1991 - Cecil Fielder: 4 HRs (The reigning HR champ lost to Cal Ripken, Jr., who hit 12)
  • 1993 - Cecil Fielder: 7 HRs (One time future Tiger, Juan Gonzalez won the event in a playoffwith Griffey that year)
  • 1998 - Damion Easley: 2 HRs (Easley had a career high 27 home runs and 100 RBI that year)
  • 2005 - Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez: 20 total HRs (Pudge was the first Tiger to play in the tournament style HR Derby. He lost in the finals in his home stadium at Comerica Park to Bobby Abreu)
  • 2007 - Magglio Ordonez: 2 total
  • 2009 - Brandon Inge: 0 total
Cabrera participated in the 2006 home run derby and came in 3rd with 15 total homers.

All this All-Star nostalgia got me so drunk with memory that I've decided to resurrect an All-Star team that myself and former co-worker Steve discussed at length when we should have been working. It's a team of players culled from TV and movies.

The only rules as to what players could be selected are as follows:


  1. No cartoon characters. Bugs Bunny can play a mean game, but nope.
  2. No animals. None of that Air Bud shit is allowed. Neither is Ed, a movie in which your Friend and mine, Matt LeBlanc, finds his swing due to a friendship with a monkey. That movie sucked.
  3. No real life players as played by actors. However, real life players who played characters are allowed. That means no Babe Ruth as played by John Goodman or Ty Cobb as played by Tommy Lee Jones. Etc.
The Line-Up

1st Base: #5 Jack "Mr. Baseball" Elliot (as played by Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball) from the Nagoya Chunichi Dodgers by way of the New York Yankees.

Jack Elliot was traded to Japan to make room for a young character played by Frank Thomas. The Yankees lost a veteran player who was on the verge of rediscovering his stroke. While in Japan, Elliot recorded 7 consecutive games with a home run. Power hitting 1st basemen are where it's at.

2nd Base: Tony Micelli (as played by Tony Danza in the TV sitcom, Who's The Boss?) from the St. Louis Cardinals.

After injuring his shoulder, promising young player Tony Micelli becomes a domestic housewife under the employ of Angela Bower, an icy frost bitch and successful executive. Before that, Micelli could play some ball. Besides, there's not many 2nd basemen represented in pop culture.

3rd Base: Josh Exley (as played by Jesse L. Martin in The X-Files episode, "The Un-Natural")

A negro league player based out of Roswell, New Mexico who could hit towering moonshots and had the ability to play in the major leagues. Mr. Exley didn't want the spotlight, however, because he was being hunted by the Ku Klux Klan. In reality, Exley was an alien and the Klan member hunting him was an alien bounty hunter. Ah, The X-Files. Meanwhile, Mulder came close to the truth because it was out there and Scully rolled her eyes and refused to believe.

Shortstop: #3 Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez (as played by Mike Vitar in The Sandlot)

Benny was the best player in his neighborhood. He was versatile and could play any position. The Jet was shown to have tremendous speed, stealing home to win the game during the closing moments of the movie. I believe he's a agile enough to handle shortstop. 

Rightfield: #9 Roy Hobbs (as played by Robert Redford in The Natural) from the New York Knights

Hobbs was all guts. He played in the pennant clinching game despite his stomach bleeding through his shirt due to a condition caused by a prior gunshot wound. At the ripe age of 35, Hobbs displayed amazing power, knocking the cover of the baseball in one instance. Roy Hobbs had a game where he hit 4 home runs and also had the pennant winning home run shot that so majestic it caused time to slow down and music to play, culminating in a deadly electrical shower caused by the ball destroying the lights in right field.

Plus, he had a bat that was called "Wonderboy." How pimp is that? "There goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was."

Centerfield: #00 Willie "Mays" Hayes (as played by Wesley Snipes in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians.

He's got base-stealing speed and great range in the outfield. He can go up and steal a homer away from the opposing team. He's always a web gem candidate. Hayes is so quick he can stretch an infield blooper into a single. BTW, we're going with the Snipes version and not the Hayes as portrayed in Major League II Omar Epps. That version was a prima donna and only out for himself. I only want team players on my squad.





Leftfield: #13 Pedro Cerrano (as played by Dennis Haysbert in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians

With his voodoo doll Jo-Bu tossed away, Cerrano finally has the confidence to hit curveballs without practicing the pagan religion. His transformation into a Buddhist in Major League II means a clear head to focus on crushing the ball.

Catcher: Gus Sinski (as played by John C. Reilly in For Love of the Game) from the Detroit Tigers

He's a veteran and good for team morale, "we're the best team in baseball." Plus, he's the personal catcher of the team's unquestioned starter....

SP: #14 Billy Chapel (as played by Kevin Costner in For Love of the Game) from the Detroit Tigers


The Bench:

DH: #21 Stan "Mr. 2,999" Ross (as played by Bernie Mac in Mr. 3000) from the Milwaukee Brewers

He's almost got 3,000 hits. The guy can hit. He may not be an everyday player and his knees might not be able to handle a position, but Ross can still contribute.

Catcher: #8  "Crash"Davis (as played by Kevin Costner in Bull Durham) from the Asheville Tourists via the  Durham Bulls.

What Kevin Costner is on here twice? How can he be in two positions at once? It's a list of fictional characters, relax. They just look a lot alike.

Sinski can't play everyday, so it's time the 12 year veteran of the minors came up and adds to the "21 greatest days of my life." He still has some pop in the bat, breaking the minor league record for career home runs.

SP: Mel Clark (as played by Tony Danza in Angels in the Outfield) from the Los Angeles Angels

Listen, he's got angels on his side. They won't help him win championships, but he can do that on his own. In the meantime, whenever the team needs a win, plug Clark into the starting rotation. We'll just get the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun to stop pretending to be Cobra Commander and have him flap his arms to signal Christopher Lloyd.

Bullpen:

RP: #1 Henry Rowengartner (as played by Thomas Ian Nicholas in Rookie of the Year) from the Chicago Cubs

Of course we'll have to break his arm again...



RP: Sam "Mayday" Malone (as played by Ted Danson on the TV sitcom, Cheers) from the Boston Red Sox

Depending on which season of the show you watch, Mayday was pretty decent (the earlier seasons) or the pits (later seasons). I choose to believe he was somewhere in between. He did have his "Slider of Death" after all. Then again, he did give up 4 home runs in one game. He's beaten his alcoholism (without the aid of his trusty bottle cap), so Sam gets another chance. 

RP: Kenny Powers (as played by Danny McBride on the HBO series, Eastbound and Down)

After going back to live with his brother and becoming a gym teacher, the egotistical asshole has recovered his velocity as seen in the episode where he knocks out the eyeball of his arch enemy Reg Mackworthy via a fastball to the head.

Closer: #99 Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn (as played by Charlie Sheen in Major League) from the Cleveland Indians.

He doesn't have great numbers against the Yanks, but he can throw a heater when you need a K. The crowd treats him like a rock star and his glasses give him the tools to place his pitches perfectly.

Any additions that you think need to be made to this roster, feel free to let me know in the comments section.











4 comments:

  1. Don't forget about Merrill (played by Joaquin Phoenix) from the movie Signs. He holds the all-time home run record in the minors, but also the strikeout record. He'd be a good 5 or 6 hitter I think.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My batting order would be:

    1. Willie "Mays" Hayes
    2. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez
    3. Stan "Mr. 2,999" Ross
    4. Roy Hobbs
    5. Josh Exley
    6. Pedro Cerrano
    7. Jack "Mr. Baseball" Elliot
    8. Tony Micelli
    9. Gus Sinski

    ReplyDelete
  3. i'm bored. so i put together an all movie team. i hate the d.h., so it's an n.l. team. because of the abundance of first baseman, i had to leave off jack elliot, clu haywood, and stan ross. though i believe ross would have been a cancer in the locker room.

    here's the batting order
    1. lf-willie mays hays-a burner
    2. ss-benjamin franklin rodriguez-could handle the bat, and we need a shortstop
    3. cf-bobby rayburn-a five tool player
    4. 1b-jimmy dugan-538 career hr's
    5. rf-roy hobbs-the natural offers great protection for dugan in the heart of the lineup
    6. 3b-roger dorn-in his prime, was a hall of fame talent
    7. 2b-marla hooch-didn't want to take a girl, but she could rip it from both sides of the plate
    8. c-jake taylor-a decent hitter, with the smarts to call a good game behind the plate
    9. p-billy chapel-over 300 wins, and was crafty enough to be effective well past his prime

    i left off steve nebraska because his 81 pitch 27 strikeout perfecto was not believable.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yeah, I left off Steve Nebraska because the character was ridiculous and "The Scout" was ridiculous. I did consider Marla Hooch, but eventually decided against it. Good list though.

    ReplyDelete